


No More, No Less

by Bulletproof_love



Category: Chicago Med
Genre: Anal, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Doctor - Freeform, Doctors, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, NSFW, Smut, hospital fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-03-16 08:09:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 24,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13632231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bulletproof_love/pseuds/Bulletproof_love
Summary: Could one night really be enough?





	1. Chapter One

The silence was crushing Connor Rhodes. He wasn't sure how much longer he could take it as he stood in the silent elevator, his vibrant blue eyes focused on Doctor Ethan Choi. The other man stood on the opposite side of the wall, closer to the doors, his back ramrod straight as he tilted his head reading the notes from one of the manila files in his arms.

His handsome features were poised in concentration, his sensuous lips silently mouthing the words as he read them back to himself. It was a trait that Connor found oddly endearing, it was just another thing he was learning about Ethan's habits. Once again, he felt himself drawn to those expressive dark eyes of his. He remembered the vibrant hues around Ethan's iris as Connor lay in Ethan's bed, the other man's taunt naked form pressing against him as they kissed.

_Ethan's gentle fingertips trailed along the line of Connor's jaw, smoothing over the rough stubble before his thumb caressed the outline of his lover's lips. Connor moaned out loud in ecstasy, Ethan's hips fitting snugly against his own as he began to move in slow, vigorous bursts inside him. They had made love for hours that night, what he lacked in experience Connor had made up for in vigor. The other man had made it his mission to explore every part of Ethan. However he needed more, he needed to touch the other man again, to taste him and be with him in every sense of the word._

Connor's cheeks flushed pink at the memory, his teeth biting his lower lip at the intense surge of heat that rushed through his muscular form. His memories of that night were raw and vivid, Connor couldn't seem to get them out of his head.

Every time he saw Ethan, he remembered what that taunt, lean body felt like underneath his fingertips. The sounds that the other man made as Connor's dexterous fingers massaged him through the fabric of his jeans. He had loved the way his name sounded on Ethan's lips as he tore a husky moan from his lover's throat.

They hadn't talked about that night, it had been nearly a week ago and the two of them had barely been in the same room together for more than five minutes. Connor's schedule had been stacked with surgeries since Doctor Downey's passing and Ethan had inherited the position of Chief Resident from Will Halstead. The two of them were like ships in the night, passing by one another and leaving nothing in their wake. It had to stop, they had address what had happened between them.

"So the other night was..." Connor began, running the back of his head sheepishly as his brain frantically searched for the word. "...fun." he finished lamely.

Ethan paused for a moment, finally raising his head with a creased brow before turning his attention towards the other doctor residing in the elevator. Connor stared back at him with an arched eyebrow, his muscular arms crossed over that broad chest of his, that sexy fleur-de -lis tattoo of his just peeking out from underneath the sleeve of his burgundy scrubs. The sight of it made Ethan's lower body stir as he contemplated the other tattoos that were etched onto the naked flesh of Connor's beauteous body, the ones that he had seen after he had tenderly stripped away the other man's black t-shirt.

"I was going for mind blowing." Ethan responded, hugging the brown manila files to his chest as he met Connor's gaze meaningfully. "But I can't deny it was 'fun'."

His heated gaze made Connor shift uncomfortably for a moment against the growing ache in his burgundy scrubs. He imagined Ethan taking him right now in this elevator, scrubs torn off, slick skin pressing against one another as his finger's tangled in the other man's dark hair.

"I was leaning more towards earth shattering." Connor informed him with a bashful grin before allowing his more serious side to make an appearance. "I would be interested in exploring further..."

Ethan's stare was unrelenting as the two of them stood there in silence. Connor couldn't help but acknowledge that there was a depth inside the other man, one he hadn't even begun to touch. Hell, he wanted to, that wild reckless streak he had was telling him to just dive right in.

"It depends, Doctor Rhodes." Ethan said finally, he took a purposeful step forward bringing him just within Connor's personal space. The was charged between them, Connor could feel the electricity pricking along his flesh as he inhaled deeply, that rich masculine scent flooding his senses as Ethan lingered close enough for their burgundy scrubs to rustle slightly. "Are you up for the challenge?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan bumps into Connor on the roof.

The roof had become Connor's place to go when he needed to get away from the rest of the world. He'd discovered the cathartic feel of the space in the aftermath of the L train crash and he hadn't looked back since. There was something about looking over the Chicago skyline that resonated deep with in him. Sometimes it seemed like you had the world at your feet and other times, he thought it was the distance of it all. Up here you were abstract from everything else in the world, all the sorrow and the grief that went on downstairs couldn't touch you. On the roof he was exactly who he wanted or needed to be in that moment, it was up here that he could finally allow himself to feel.

That ache was in his chest, it was like a fist clenching his heart as he tried to swallow against the well of emotion building in his throat. He'd lost patients before but today was different, he'd never had to watch the life drain out of a baby. He had seen some shitty things in his life but watching Timmy's last breathes was comparatively the worst. He had no idea how the hell Natalie did it, day in and day out.

That grief was overwhelming him, he could feel that tingle in his shoulders as his body tried to fight against it compulsively. His skilled hands balled into fists, his knuckles white as he pressed them to his eye sockets trying to stave off the stinging sensation in his eyes.

_Rhodes do not cry_ , his father's emotionless voice rang in his head.

It echoed acutely in the recesses of his mind, pulsating violently like a tumor. It had taken years to shed some of the emotional damage that his father had bestowed upon him, there were still tidbits though that he had never been able to get rid of and he wasn't sure he ever could. Logically he knew that crying was a healthy emotional response despite being told it was a sign of weakness throughout the duration of his childhood. However he still battled it, he still tried to force it down before the feeling consumed him.

The sob wracked his entire body. He could feel the sheer force of it vibrate through his sternum as the agony crashed into him like a tidal wave, dragging him under. His palms came to rest upon the cold, steel hand rail clutching onto it tightly in a bid to hold himself up as he sucked in a deep, shaky breath. The salty tears trailed down his cheeks relentlessly as his heart broke, his control slipping away from him.

A soothing hand came to rest on his right shoulder, clasping it tightly. Connor didn't need to turn his head to know that it was Ethan, after the other night he would know that man's presence anywhere. A sense of shame filled him and he found himself wanting to apologise, to tell the other man that he wasn't this weak, pathetic person but he simply couldn't find the breath. Ethan used the grip on Connor's shoulder to turn the other man's body towards him. One look at those haggard, tear stained features of his was enough to break his heart. He could see the that acute pain inside of Connor, the torment that he was being forced to bear because he couldn't let himself fall apart. In that moment Ethan saw himself all those months ago, drowning in a sea of an uncomprehending darkness. He wondered who had broken the other man, who had taught him to stifle those emotions and hide them from the world.

His expression softened, his hand grasped the back of Connor's neck, firmly guiding him into the shelter of his comforting embrace. Connor needed someone in his corner right now, someone who understood what it was like to bury those emotions deep down within you. Someone to tell him it wasn't a weakness to feel, it wasn't a failure to admit that you were hurting so badly that sometimes it crippled you.

"Stop fighting it." he whispered into Connor's ear, his thumb lightly stroking that space, the one just behind the other man's ear lobe. "Just let go."

Connor sagged against him, his entire body trembling as his nimble hands slipped underneath the fabric of Ethan's water resistant jacket and grasped the fabric of his burgundy scrubs tightly. Ethan could feel Connor's hot breath on his collarbone as the other man buried his face into the crook of his neck. The tears were coming thick and fast, sinking through the material of his scrubs as Connor's vulnerable form shuddered, an anguished sound ripped from his throat.

"I got you." Ethan murmured, his other hand rubbing, slow soothing circles along the rigid planes of Connor's muscular back. "I got you."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan reflects on his and Connor's first time.

Before today Ethan had never been inside Connor's apartment. He had certainly never expected to find himself naked, wrapped up in those freshly laundered sheets of his, watching the other man sleep. The heat radiating from Connor's body warmed his own cool skin as he propped his head up on the pillow and allowed his fingertips to trace lightly over the contours of his lover's chest. His skin was mostly unmarked and unblemished with the exception of his tattoos. Ethan found himself pondering the meaning of each of them as he studied Connor's masculine features.

There was more to Connor than met the eye, Ethan had known that the very instant the other man had come hurtling into the E.D, trying to resuscitate one of the victims from the train crash on a stretcher. Over the past year he had learned how compassionate he was with his patients, how he dedicated as much time as he could to their families and their care. Above all he'd learned the other man had grit and the lengths he would go to to do right by his people. His tribe, he called them.

Staring down at Connor right now, he couldn't believe how innocent he looked. You would never believe that he carried the weight of the world upon his shoulders. Despite the baggage he carried, he was always the first to put himself out there. In the beginning Ethan had thought he cared too much, that Connor was going to get eaten alive by the city of Chicago but the other man had proved how much grit he had. In reality he wasn't the bleeding heart that Ethan had originally suspected, he was a warrior, one that had spent a life time battling preconceived views from those who met him.

Despite the fact his father was rich, Connor was not. His apartment was close to the hospital, in a decent area with modest furnishings, there were some knickknacks from his time spent in other countries. Those had interested Ethan for a brief moment before Connor had grasped his hand and kissed him within an inch of his life. He had forgotten what it felt like to feel wanted, to be swept away in desire. It had been over six months since Vicky had left for that job in Baltimore and there had been no one in his life since. Back then he had locked so much of himself away, PTSD had almost destroyed him. He had become isolated, lonely and miserable. Vicky had known he needed help and she had supported him but the love hadn't been there. They helped each other to scratch an itch in the end, hers physical and his emotional and gone their separate ways without any of the mess.

This thing with Connor though, this was messy. Ethan wasn't even sure how it started, all he knew was that he never wanted it to end and it was that thought that scared the living hell out of him. For Ethan this was tangible, it had the potential to become something very real. However he was very much aware from the first night he had spent with Connor that he had been the only man he had ever made love to. Part of Ethan was thrilled by the disclosure, the other part of him was scared to death.

He'd been burned before, back in the Navy. What he thought had been a relationship, turned out to be a period of experimentation for another member of the medical team he was with and the other man had told he was a good lay but he was certainly not the kind of person you took home to mom. There had been a few casual affairs after that, men or women, it depended on what Ethan had been looking for at the time. He wasn't big on labels, in his mind it you liked someone, you liked them no matter what age, race or gender. He couldn't be someone's experiment again, no matter how much fun it was.

The torrential rain on the way from the hospital to Molly's had soaked through the material of their cloths as the two of them had ran through the street trying to find a reprieve from the unrelenting rain storm. They'd taken shelter in the doorway of a store for a moment, hoping that the rain would lighten so that they could continue on their journey to the bar. Connor had scarcely been a few inches away from him, his dark hair slick and wet as he ran his hand through it driving it back away from his face. He used one hand to clear the water from his rugged features as Ethan drank in the sight of his colleague, the dark clothes he wore clinging to him like a second skin.

He'd be the first to admit that he hadn't been thinking, he'd been trained to rely on his instincts and at that second, when Connor's vibrant blue eyes had met his, every single one of them was demanding he kiss Connor. He'd felt the other man stiffen in surprise against him and realized he had made a terrible mistake, until Connor's large hands had grasped his wet jacket and yanked him back against his muscular form.

They hadn't made it to Molly's that night, instead they'd ended up at Ethan's apartment, stripping each other of their wet clothes between greedy, wanton kisses. Their hands had been roving, their mouths exploring as they had collapse into a tangled heap upon Ethan's bed. He'd never wanted anyone so badly. For the first time in a long time, he finally felt alive again.

Throughout the night he had discovered that Connor was a responsive and enthusiastic lover. He had used his expertise to tease Ethan until he was trembling with white hot desire and need. The things he had done with his mouth had been sinful and Ethan hadn't been lying when he used the words mind blowing. When Connor had uttered those two dirty little words into his ear, Ethan had to admit he'd never been as turned on as in that moment.

_Fuck me, he had whispered, his teeth grazing Ethan's ear lobe and sending him straight back to heaven as Connor's hand worked over his leaking cock._

_It may have been Connor's first rodeo but it certainly wasn't his. Ethan had flipped his lover onto his back and began a slow, sexual work over of his entire body. It wasn't until he had Connor trembling with urgency underneath him that he applied the condom with a generous helping of lubricant from his top drawer._

_"Look at me." he whispered as he'd guided himself to that sensitive space, with sweet care positioning himself against his lover's ass. "I need to see you."_

_Connor's beautiful blue eyes flickered open, meeting Ethan's gorgeous stare with a furious yearning. Ethan had never seen him look so hungry before, his vibrant eyes were dazzling with passion, his voice rough as he spoke._

_"I want this." he told the other man resolutely. "I want you to fuck me."_

_Ethan started slow, watching Connor's eyes roll back into his head as his body arched up accommodating his girth. He bent his head, his lips capturing Connor's as he continued in gentle bursts. Connor's fingers raked along his spine, urging him on. Ethan's hips picking up the pace slightly as the slickness of the condom allowed more access._

_Ethan gritted his teeth against the amazing sensation around his cock, Jesus Connor was so fucking tight, he had to slow himself down before he lost control completely._

_"Don't stop." Connor demanded, a pleading tone to the edge of his gravelly voice. "Don't you dare stop."_

_Encouraged Ethan began to pump in faster shallow strokes, he could hear Connor's hitched breathing echoing in his ears as that familiar tingle began at the base of his spine. He sank in those final few inches, throwing his head back and crying out Connor's name as the other man took him almost effortlessly._

_"Fuck, Ethan you have no idea how good that feels." Connor moaned as Ethan began to thrust once more. He never withdrew from the other man's ravenous form, his dark eyes watched Connor's rapturous features with a sense of wonderment as he urged the other man towards his peak._

_Jesus he'd never had another lover as responsive as this, the words that were coming out of Connor's mouth were driving him crazy. He felt his lover clamping down around him as he reached the pinnacle of release. The ecstasy rose up and caught him off guard as he gave one final thrust, holding Connor's hips in place as he came so powerfully he thought he'd erupted right out of the stratosphere._

_The sound of panting was ringing in his ears as he withdrew unwillingly from Connor's spent form, reaching for the box of tissues on the nightstand before collapsing flat on the bed next to him. The feeling of completion was indescribable, they'd cleaned up the mess and spent the rest of the night tangled up in one another, stroking, kissing and teasing until they'd fallen into an exhausted sleep._

The next morning had been a hard one. Ethan had woken up to find himself alone in a big empty bed, the sheets from Connor's side cold, meaning that the other man was long gone. He'd checked his phone for any tell tale texts but there had been none. It had hurt him to think that the night before had been a mistake and he had cursed himself for losing himself in Connor Rhodes.

For Ethan it had been a beginning, for Connor ...

He had no idea what it had been.

In the days that followed he had kept everything professional, he spoke to the other man when his job required it and that was all. He'd opened himself up and got burned once more, he wondered when he would learn from his mistakes or would he be doomed to repeat them for the rest of his life. It wasn't until the two had had the conversation in the elevator car that he realised he had made an error of judgement.

_"_ _I would be interested in exploring further..."_

Those words had been everything he both hoped for and dreaded. The more he thought about it the more ambiguous they seemed, did Connor mean a relationship or simply the sex? He'd driven himself insane trying to decipher the words in the end he had headed up on the roof in order to get some clarity. Instead he'd found Connor.

Seeing the other man like that had felt like someone was ripping his heart right out of his chest. At that moment everything else had seemed irreverent. He'd lost track of how long they'd held each other up there on the roof. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours, all he knew was that Connor was vulnerable and he needed to be protected at all costs. All of his selfishness was pushed aside and yet again he gave in, tending to the other man's needs. He had driven his lover home, making sure he'd gotten into the apartment before Connor had clasped his hand, preventing him from leaving.

They had made love slowly this time, blocking out the ruthless world around them with their own bubble of intimacy. It was 0nly now in the late hours that Ethan was beginning to reconsider this position. It was easy to fall into bed with Connor, to crave him but Ethan wanted something more and he didn't know if Connor was in a position to give it.

It was true, that as he lay here with his lover's naked body nestled against him that he was falling in love with Connor. He had known it from the very first kiss and it made his heart heavy.

He slipped out from underneath Connor's sheets, using the dim morning light to navigate the location of his clothing before pulling on with a stealthiness he hadn't realised he still possessed. It didn't take him long to locate his wallet and keys before he exited Connor's apartment silently, closing the door gently shut behind him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan tells Connor he thinks their night together was a mistake.

_Connor Rhodes: Picture Message Attached._

_Connor Rhodes: I thought I'd remind you what you were missing this morning._

Ethan Choi sucked in a deep breath, his dark eyes widening as the image of a topless Connor Rhodes filled his screen. That carefree smile was on his handsome features, those smoldering blue eyes fixed on the screen, seemingly starring right at Ethan through time and space. His left arm was tucked underneath his head, revealing his muscular bicep and the curve of his intricate tattoo. Ethan remembered how it felt underneath his fingertips as his tongue flicked across Connor's collarbone before delving lower...

Jesus, Connor was not going to make this easy on him. Already he could feel the steely walls he had erected this morning beginning to crumble as he stood in the doctor's lounge, starring at the picture, shifting uncomfortably as that feverish heat spread through him. He knew how this was supposed to go and he wanted it so badly. He wanted to play this game, to engage with the other man with flirty, deviant texts but he couldn't. He knew what sexting would lead to and just because he had been able to pull away this morning didn't mean he would again. He had spent months trying to avoid his own bad behaviors. His sessions with Doctor Charles were helping with the PTSD but it was always there scratching at the surface. Connor didn't know about that side of him, there weren't many people that did. He knew as soon as the other man took a look at that darkness that he would run a mile and who could blame him? That level of damage wasn't what he had signed on for and it was unfair to expect that level of commitment so Ethan so badly needed. So he had decided to pull the plug before he become too invested. It would be better for the both of them in the long run.

Ethan swiped past the image in his screen before tapping out the hardest text message he had ever had to send.

_Connor_ , he wrote.  _This was a mistake._

* * *

It had been hours since Connor had read that text and he still couldn't get it out of his head. of all the responses that he had been expecting that one had been the very last. He was hurt and just a little confused about what had changed between the two of them in the hours between falling asleep holding one another last night and their shifts this morning. Ethan had made it clear he didn't want to talk, anytime they had bumped into each other he had been cool, polite and professional. He was never in one place long enough for Connor to get him alone and he was beginning to find that infuriating. To him last night had been about more than just sex, there was an intimacy in Ethan's touch, one that he knew he hadn't mistaken. The other man had been careful and tender when they had made love, the words he uttered into Connor's ear were born of passion and something that went far deeper.

Which brought him back to his original question. What the hell had changed?

He stood on the opposite side of the main desk in the E.D, his dark eyebrows furrowed as he studied Ethan with an analytical eye. His arms were folded over his broad chest, a pen clicking compulsively under his thumb as Ethan continued his examination of the patient in Treatment Room 4. His movements were graceful, his motions almost elegant as he directed the patient through the movements he wanted the other man to accomplish. In the E.D he was in his element, it was as if nothing could touch him.

"You are staring."

He hadn't heard Doctor Charles approaching but then again that wasn't surprising, for a large man Daniel Charles could be deceptively stealthy when he wanted to be. Connor allowed his gaze to drop to the paperwork in front of him, the pen still clicking underneath his finger.

"I'm just waiting for Doctor Choi to finish up with his patient so that I can give him this consult." he informed the other man, pretending to busy himself by shuffling the paper in front of him.

"Is that why you are organising those patient admittance forms?" Doctor Charles asked causing Connor to actually read the first line of the A4 sheets he was clasping in his hands.

"It is something I like to do..." Connor said feebly before setting the papers down and turning his head towards Doctor Charles before finally admitting. "He's ignoring me."

"Did you do something?" Doctor Charles asked him, tilting his head and studying Connor's clenched jaw.

The younger man's attention was completely focused on the doctor on the opposite side of the desk as he went about his routine inspection of his patient. There was a yearning in those eyes of his, it was so acute that Daniel felt a pang in his chest as his gaze shifted from Doctor Rhodes to Doctor Choi and then back again. Oh to be young and in love again, he thought.

"Not that I'm aware of." Connor said, slowly clicking the pen to a tune that only he could hear. It was a sign of stress, an irritating one but he let the other man continue, it wasn't every day that you saw Doctor Rhodes buckle under pressure. He was a problem solver at heart, his thoughts logical and direct. It would explain why the other man was having so much trouble with Ethan. The other man was like a Rubix Cube, it had taken them months to make any progress in their sessions, but it had been worth it when they did. Ethan was happier, healthier and more open in most parts of his life. His romantic life apparently being the exception.

"He giving you the silent treatment?" Doctor Charles questioned. "I used to get that all the time from him, I think it's a Navy thing mostly..."

He trailed off as Connor turned his head towards the other man, his vibrant blue eyes fixating on Daniel's. He could tell that Doctor Rhodes was trying to figure out what to divulge despite the fact it was as plain as day to Doctor Charles that the two men had been intimate. The way that Connor looked at Doctor Choi spoke volumes, it was a softer expression, one that you harbored for a lover rather than a colleague. He didn't expect that anyone else had noticed, the E.D was busy today and everyone was ambling around in their own little worlds trying to make sense of what was going on around them.

"The thing with Doctor Choi is, he is very much a closed book and trying to read that book will take a lot of patience, if you get my drift." Doctor Charles said pointedly.

"I do." Connor agreed, before uncrossing his arms and rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "The thing is I may have already skipped a few chapters and now I don't really know how to proceed from there."

Doctor Charles smiled knowingly. He understood a thing or two about rushing ahead, part of falling in love was getting caught up in the moment.

"Maybe start from the beginning." Doctor Charles advised. "A man like Ethan..."

He paused before selecting his words carefully to ensure he didn't break his patient's trust.

"...he's a man of action. You have to show him that you want to be there in his life, that you care about him with or without the fairy tale ending, because you can bet he doesn't believe in them."

There was a silence between the two of them for a second while Connor absorbed that information. There were layers to what Doctor Charles was saying and Connor waded through them drawing his own conclusions.

Did Ethan think he was unworthy of happiness? Was this what it was all about?

There was something deeper there, a connection he wasn't making and as frustrating as he found it, he knew he would have to let it sit for a while.

"You know this has to stay between us right?" Connor spoke finally, his vibrant blue gaze, serious as he gestured between the two of them with his forefinger.

"Oh." Doctor Charles agreed,nodding sagely as he too picked up the pile of papers in front of them and started to straighten them. "Without a doubt."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it's good to talk...

    It was a warm autumn night and Ethan was taking a rare moment of solitude, perching on the concrete wall outside of the hospital, drinking in the quiet around him. It had been an exhausting day, which he had spent navigating both a political and emotional minefield. When eighty two year old Edward Hill had come into the E.D today with a mass in his chest the last thing he had been expecting was resistance from the man’s son. Instead he had been dragged into the conference room near Goodwin’s office with both Connor, his superior Doctor Latham to discuss their options with the patient’s family.

    The legal implications of the situation had ruled in favor of the son, meaning that Eddie Hill would basically be left to die instead of receiving the operation that could potentially save his life. The knowledge of that was soul destroying, having his hands metaphorically tied was debilitating and he couldn’t help but he feel intensely frustrated at the entire situation. He didn’t understand how someone could be so callous to their own father, the son wasn’t even willing to stick around and spend some time with the old man in his final hours.

    He had tried his best, he had approached Eddie when he had been alone and tried to discuss the surgery with him, however his mind had been too fragile, his grasp on Ethan’s words slipping as he progressed. By the time he’d started to make any progress with the older man, Eddie’s son had appeared and read him the riot act.

    When the worst had come, the son was nowhere to be seen. His father was unable to breath and when he did he was coughing up blood. Ethan had felt for Eddie Hill before that but at that time he grieved for him. It wasn’t until tears were rolling down his cheeks and he uttered the words “Save me.” that Ethan could respond to the situation the way he had originally wanted to. Eddie Hill was rushed upstairs into the O.R and was still undergoing surgery as far as he knew.

    The sweet scent of warmed chocolate filled his nostrils as a white takeaway cup was jangled just under his nose. Automatically he reached out for it, his cold hands wrapping around it’s soothing warmth as Connor took up residence along side of him, his hip lightly bumping against Ethan’s.

    There was a sense of comradely there between the two of them as they sat in silence for a second taking solace in each other’s presence. Connor had really come through for him today, he had battled the lawyers, the son and the attending alongside him and Ethan could not verbally express how much that meant to him. He also knew he didn’t need to, the two of them were on the same page when it came to their patients and although they may disagree with a course of treatment from time to time, they could never willingly leave someone to die. It was the reason Connor had backed him up in the E.D when Eddie had been begging for someone to save him.

    “He made it through the surgery.” Connor disclosed finally, his nimble fingers peeling the plastic lid away from the top of his cardboard cup. “We’re supervising him but it seems he’ll make a speedy recovery.”

    “What did Doctor Latham say?” Ethan asked, raising his cup to his mouth and taking a tentative sip. His eyebrows curved into a frown as he tasted the vanilla in hot chocolate. Already his muscles were unfurling as the hot sugary goodness hit his stressed system. He didn’t remember telling Connor how he liked a sugar hit after a horrific day, he’d taken to drinking vanilla hot chocolate as a way to treat himself after one. The other man was more perceptive then Ethan gave him credit for.

    “Nothing.” Connor said, cover his palms with the sleeves of the black fleece that was covering his broad shoulders. “In his mind it was efficient to do the operation there and then, so we did.”

    “Simple as that huh?” Ethan said, his thumb teasing around the brown ripples of the cup cover.

    “In Doctor Latham’s case it really is.” Connor supplied, tipping his head from side to side indecisively before seemly making his mind up. “I envy him sometimes, being able to turn off his emotions like that.”

    Ethan’s thumb tapped out a tune as he stared ahead listlessly, looking without seeing.

    “You wouldn’t be you if you could turn off how you feel.” he stated before slugging back his hot chocolate.

    “I’m not sure of that’s a good thing or a bad thing.” Connor responded cryptically, his own eyes searching the sky as if looking for some form of answer.

    “It’s a good thing.” Ethan stated frankly, cradling his cup to his chest, enjoying the blossoming of heat in his chest. “It’s too easy to become disconnected sometimes, makes it harder for you to be around other people.”

    “Sounds like you have some experience with that.” Connor commented dryly, sipping his own drink.

    Ethan looked down away, fixing on something in the distance that Connor couldn’t see.

    “I guess I do.” he found himself admitting. On some level he wanted Connor to know what he was going through, that none of the blame was on Connor himself. “It was hard to adjust when I got back home. It’s difficult reconciling what you’ve seen with what’s happening here.”

    “You ended up with PTSD.” Connor stated, drawing his own conclusions.

    “I thought if I didn’t think or talk about it...” Ethan trailed off, his knee started to jangle as anxiety began to knot in his stomach. Connor placed a sympathetic hand upon his knee, stopping the vibrating limb in it’s tracks. His thumb softly caressed the indent of the joint, rubbing across the fabric of the burgundy scrubs soothingly. “...I was having nightmares, I couldn’t sleep.”

    “And now?” Connor prompted carefully.

    “It’s better.” Ethan told him nodding his head in agreement before turning his head, locking stares with Connor, an expression of surprise upon his handsome features. “I don’t even know why I’m telling you this.”

    “Sometimes it’s good to talk.” Connor told him, removing his hand from Ethan’s knee so he could out the plastic lid from his takeaway cup inside of it.

    “Yea.” Ethan agreed, his dark gaze studying the profile of the handsome man sitting beside him with a sense of wonderment. “Sometimes it is.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan talks to Doctor Charles...

"So this was all about keeping up with the Jones's." Doctor Ethan Choi stated, his elbows resting on the surface of the white work space in the E.D as he stared into Treatment Room Three. Beside him Doctor Charles was perched, his chin resting on is hand as they watched the two elderly ladies tearfully converse.

It had been a weird one, Ms Olga Barlow had been brought in non-exertional heat illness. When they had run her labs they had discovered that the tablets she was supposed to be taking weren't in her system. Furthermore there were high levels of taurine in her system and she appeared malnourished, he'd called Doctor Charles in for a consult and gotten a hell of a lot more than he had bargained for. It had turned out on a fixed income Ms Barlow was having trouble making ends met, so she had been eating cat food and selling her medication for some quick cash to keep up appearances with her neighbor, who ironically was doing the same thing.

"Pride." Doctor Charles chuffed sardonically. "It can literally kill you."

"Sometimes that's all we have left right?" Ethan said with a deep sigh as he straightened his spine and picked up the tablet in front of him to begin the discharge paperwork.

"It doesn't have to be." Doctor Charles supplemented, bringing himself up into a standing position before inclining his head towards Treatment Room Five. "Sometimes the thing that your looking for is right there in front of you."

Ethan allowed his gaze to follow to where Doctor Charles was indicating. Peering over the older man's shoulder, he could see Connor standing beside Will Halstead as he jabbed his finger at the slender device in his hand. He didn't have to be a mind reader to see that Connor was agitated, it was in the way his forehead creased above that dark brow. This brilliant blue eyes of his were narrowed as he wore an expression of severe displeasure. Ethan didn't know what Will had done but he certainly didn't envy the other man, he'd been on Connor's bad side a few times himself.

Ethan diverted his attention back down to the tablet in his hands, his forefinger skating along the scroll bar idly before he finally spoke.

"I told him it was a mistake." Ethan said quietly. "When the truth was I didn't want to get invested in case it wasn't reciprocated."

"Wow." Doctor Charles uttered, his eyes meeting Ethan's for the first time since this conversation had began. "You really gotta get over yourself man."

The other man's words jarred with Ethan, making him instantly defensive. Doctor Charles never minced his words and Ethan liked that aspect of him most of the time. However sometimes it was like he was being dealt a physical blow and this was one of those times.

"Doctor Rhodes is a hot ticket around here, this afternoon I literally saw a med student on purposely trip up just so she could throw herself at him." Doctor Charles recounted. "You know what he did?"

The thought of Connor with someone else set Ethan's hackles raising, there was a thread of jealous, lancing it's way through his heart and it took every ounce of self control he had to not to bare his teeth. Instead he shook his head in response to Doctor Charles question.

"He didn't even give her a second glance. He was too busy trying to catch up with you before you got into the elevator." Doctor Charles informed him, there was force behind his words, the weight of the truth shining through. "That man could not be anymore in love with you and you are basically just throwing away this chance that you have to be happy because of what?"

Ethan stared at Doctor Charles speechless for a moment. He could feel the words penetrating the thick steely armor he had erected between himself and the outside world. His barriers were crumbling and he was caught in a moment of indecision, unsure of what to do.

"I get it you are scared man, with everything you've been through who wouldn't be but you what the best part of being scared is?" Doctor Charles asked him before jerking his head at brilliant young surgeon just over his shoulder. "Having someone to be scared with."

Ethan's gaze came to rest upon his blue eyed lover once more as the other man put his hands behind his head and huffed out a burst of air, raising his eyes skyward as if praying for strength. All Ethan wanted to do was go over there and kiss the other man until all that stress had melted away from his muscular form.

"The ball in your court Doctor Choi." Doctor Charles murmured before departing to check on his patients.

* * *

It was late by the time Connor made it back to his apartment building. He could feel the weariness bearing down on him as he trudged down the hallway to his apartment, keys fumbling in his tired hands. His messenger bag was slung across his body, the bag bouncing against his right thigh as his clumsy fingers slipped over the rivets in the metal. His head was fuzzy, his thoughts incoherent as he began to flick through his keys once more, struggling to locate the correct one. He'd spent so much time flitting between O.R's today, he had met himself coming back. By the time he had left the hospital he'd barely been able to put one foot in front of the other. All he wanted right now was to eat something and crawl into bed instead he couldn't figure out which god damn key was the one he needed in order to open up the door.

Warm hands reached out, gently plucking the keys from between his fingers. Connor tilted his head up, his fatigued blue eyes drinking in the sight of the man in front of him. Ethan was standing before him clad in blue fitted denim jeans and his navy blue quilted coat, his dark hair was slicked back neatly away from his face. You couldn't tell the other man had just come off a twelve hour shift at the E.D, he looked like he'd stepped off the page of a magazine. Hooked under his arm was a brown paper back filled with groceries which he skilfully balanced while maneuvering the key into the lock on Connor's door before pushing it open with the toe of his boot.

Connor trailed after him, watching as Ethan flicked on the lights before the other man drifted towards the kitchen island. He set the brown bag down on the sleek counter before he began to remove various items. Connor crossed his arms over his chest before leaning against the door frame of the kitchen, his lips pursed together.

"What are doing?" Connor asked with cautious optimism as Ethan slipped out of his coat and hung it on the back of one of his chairs.

"I am making you dinner." Ethan informed him, his palms coming to rest flat upon the surface of the island before he glanced up at Connor. "And I want to apologise for being such an ass."

"Well not that I don't appreciate the gesture." Connor informed him, rubbing at his exasperated features with one hand. "But if you're after a booty call tonight, I really do not have the energy."

"You're not a booty call." Ethan told him, his head bowed low between his shoulders.

Connor rubbed the palm of his hand across the dark stubble of his jaw, his eyebrows furrowing into a deep frown. That frustration was whipping up inside him and no matter how hard he tried to suppress it, it kept slipping out of his control.

"Then what am I?" Connor found himself asking, his voice raising as the hurt poured out of him. "Am I your friend? Your colleague? Or just the guy you fuck when you get frustrated?"

He forgot how fast Ethan could move, before he knew it the other man was standing in front of him, forcing Connor's back against the door frame so that he was trapped between it and the hard planes of Ethan's body. There was an expression on the other man's features that he had never seen before, there was a fire in him that was dark and possessive and it sent a fiery thrill through Connor to know that he did that to Ethan.

"Your mine." Ethan whispered, his lips lingering perilously close to Connor's, his thumb lightly tracing the pattern of dark stubble that marred his cheek. "And for as long as you want me I'm yours."


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan surprises Connor in the shower.

The bathroom was thick with steam when Ethan entered it, the sound of the monsoon shower filling his ears as he closed the door behind him. He hadn't heard Connor slink out of bed this morning, it had been the sound of the water in the shower that had finally drawn him out of his slumber. It had only been a couple of weeks since Ethan had laid his cards out on the table but since then the other man had become a permanent fixture in his life. There was no more sneaking out of bed at stupid o'clock in the morning, when he woke up Connor was there, wrapped up in his sheets, arm flung over his head as he slept away the morning peacefully. Ethan didn't realise how much he longed for those moments in the beginning, he had spent hours watching his lover doze, his fingers trailing across the outline of his tattoos. There was something so intimate about watching the other man sleep, all of his vulnerabilities exposed to the world, it created a level of trust for Ethan that he hadn't even begun to fathom and he was honoured to experience it.

He simply watched Connor for a moment. His lover was standing taunt under the steaming hot water, his head tipped back so that the water rained down upon his face. Those gorgeous tattoos of his were on display, stretching across Connor's densely muscled shoulders and and expanding to half way down his toned back. Ethan allowed his gaze to dip lower, to that perfect ass of his. He groaned out loud, a deep husky noise that cause Connor to glance over his shoulder, a mischievous grin on his clean - cut features.

"Enjoying the show?" he teased, his right hand slowly trailing down along the length of his dark treasure trail before delving just a little bit lower.

Ethan said nothing, his dark eyes fixated on Connor's hand as it began to move over his growing cock in long, slow strokes. He could see the restraint in Ethan's features, the way his jaw had clenched just slightly, the proclivity in his expressive eyes, his flared nostrils and heavy breathing. This was Ethan when his control was threadbare and Connor knew just what to do to push the other man over the edge. He arched into his smooth hand, letting out a loud sultry moan as he thrust.

Ethan's restraint broke, he stepped out of those tight black boxers before joining Connor in the shower. His dexterous hands came to rest on Connor's hips guiding him backwards against the wall of the shower before his sensual lips covered Connor, drawing him into an ardent kiss. He responded hungrily, his fingers threading through Ethan's dark hair as his tongue teased the parting of the other man's lips. Ethan's silky arousal brushed against Connor's lightly sending a hum of rampant sparks chasing through his entire body. He groaned into Ethan's mouth at the delirious sensation. The other man's rough hands were already exploring the contours of his muscular form, thumbs tenderly caressing the outline nipples before trailing lower.

His hand wrapped around Connor's rock hard cock, grasping it firmly before he began to stroke it in slow, deliberate strokes.

Fuck, it always felt amazing when he was in Ethan's hands. The other man had a way of making his body come alive in a way that no one else before had or ever would. Ethan's tongue delved into this mouth, deepening the kiss as his fingers glided over that length just that little bit faster.

"Jesus, I want you." Ethan whispered against the corner of his Connor's mouth as he listened to the surgeon's breathing hitch with every single stroke. "I've never wanted anyone the way I want you."

Connor withdrew reluctantly from his lover's expert grasp, his vibrant eyes dark with desire as he spoke.

"Claim me." he uttered simply. "Show me just how much crazy I make you."

He was appealing to Ethan's dominant side, the one that rarely came out to play. Connor knew he was playing with fire but this was all or nothing. He needed every aspect of Ethan, he craved it in a way that was both dangerous and desperate. Having all of Ethan was something he coveted, it was a savage yearning, he wanted to know this man in a way that no one else did.

Ethan grasped Connor's hips turning the other man roughly. Connor's palms coming to rest upon the shower wall as he felt Ethan's chest push up against his back. Ethan's lips grazed the back of his neck, his teeth grazed his lover's left shoulder, nipping him as ground his hips against Connor's firm ass, enjoying the feel of his hard hot length against wet soft flesh. His right hand reached around Connor's hip, gripping his lover's erection once more before his moved in long, sanguine strokes. Connor's head tipped back as he emitted a low, throaty moan.

"You drive me fucking insane." Ethan breathed into his ear, the tip of his leaking dick applying just the slightest bit of pressure. "Can you feel how much I need you right now?"

Connor arched his hips, that torrid pleasure building up inside him as he tried to take Ethan deeper. Ethan drew back slightly causing Connor to hiss at the absence.

"Do you want me?" Ethan whispered, nipping at the lobe of Connor's ear.

"Stop fucking teasing me." Connor panted between clenched teeth, thrusting into Ethan's slow, pumping hand.

Ethan obliged by returning to his original position, his slick cock pressing against that sensitive, puckered flesh before he applied the barest pressure. Connor cried out with ecstasy as his lover began to rock his hips just slightly, sliding just a couple of millimetres deeper each time. Ethan was working him into a slow frenzy, he was almost delirious by the time his lover slide home, burying himself right down to the hilt.

Connor pushed back with a renewed sense of urgency, the euphoria overwhelming him as Ethan began to move in time with the hand that gripped his aching cock. Ethan began to pick up the pace, his raspy groans echoing through the bathroom as he thrust even deeper into his lover.

"You're mine." Ethan's husky voice penetrated the tsunami of pleasure that was building up inside of Connor with every single stroke. "The only person I'll ever fuck, the only man I'll ever love."

It was those words that tipped Connor over the edge. A thousand delicious fireworks exploding beneath his skin as his entire body shuddered. That surge of ecstasy hit him like a freight train as Ethan bit down on his shoulder hard, a guttural groan escaping his lips as he gave one final thrust.

They rode out the orgasm together, Ethan's fingers digging into his hips as he cried out his name like a prayer. It took the two of them a moment to catch their breath before Ethan removed himself from Connor's body reluctantly. His cheek came to rest on Connor's shoulder as his arm encircled his his lover's waist holding him close as their sound of their rapid breathing filled the room. The hot water from the shower still rained down upon the two of them washing away the evidence of their love making.

"Your the only one for me too." Connor said quietly, feeling the thrum of Ethan's rampant heart against his back. He felt Ethan smile against the nape of his neck. "I'm all yours."


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Texts exchanged between Connor and Ethan.

**Tuesday 21st October:**

Connor Rhodes: So breakfast this morning... That was different.

Ethan Choi: Yea it was, who knew that syrup had so many uses?

Connor Rhodes: I was thinking I could bring some whipped cream home tonight...

Ethan Choi: I would like that very much ;)

* * *

Claire Rhodes: Hi Connor, thanks for lunch today! I meant to say it's great to see you looking so happy recently. I hope it continues.

* * *

**Wednesday 17th November:**

Connor Rhodes: I have to say I'm a fan of the facial hair. However you're going to have the med students swooning if your not careful.

Ethan Choi: Scared of a little competition?

Connor Rhodes: You're welcome to them if you think you can handle it.

* * *

April Sexton: Is it me or are the med students particularly frisky this year?

Maggie Lockwood: There must be something in the water. Nat and Jeff were just the start of it. I'm afraid they've started an epidemic.

* * *

Ethan Choi: The facial hair was a mistake.

Connor Rhodes: I warned you about looking too sexy around the med students. Was it the red head?

Ethan Choi: ...

Connor Rhodes: I saw her giving you the eye on rounds this morning. I hope you let her down gently.

Ethan Choi: I told her I was taken and that she should focus on actually learning something instead of flirting with attendings.

Connor Rhodes: Ouch...

* * *

Will Halstead: I think Doctor Choi has himself a girlfriend.

Natalie Manning: You know I have been thinking the same thing!

Will Halstead: It's not just me right? He's always in a good mood, he's smiling a lot more... All signs point to a man in love.

Natalie Manning: I'm happy for him.

Will Halstead: But you are curious about this mystery girl right?

Natalie Manning: So much!

Will Halstead: But I know we should respect Ethan's privacy...

Natalie Manning: We should...

Will Halstead: I'm going to talk to Maggie.

* * *

Noah Sexton: So Choi is definitely taken.

April Sexton: How do you know?

Noah Sexton: One of the girls on my rounds made a pass at him and he told her he was in a relationship with someone.

April Sexton: The plot thickens...

* * *

**Thursday 19th December:**

Ethan Choi: Hey...

Connor Rhodes: Hey... It's 4 in the morning. Can't sleep?

Ethan Choi: No, my head's too busy. It feels like I can't stop thinking...

Connor Rhodes: Do you want to go for a run?

Ethan Choi: It's four am...

Connor Rhodes: I repeat, do you want to go for a run?

Ethan Choi: Nah, I'm good. I just need to buck up, stop being so self indulgent.

Connor Rhodes: Get your sweats on, I'll be over in 20.

* * *

Ethan Choi: Thanks for this morning. I just needed to get out of my head for a while.

Connor Rhodes: I'm glad that I could be of service. I've been thinking... Maybe you should check in with Doctor Charles.

Ethan Choi: Yea, I was thinking the same thing. With the holidays coming up... It's a lot you know? To be the person my family expects me to be.

Connor Rhodes: I know a thing or two about that. Want me to come along for morale support? I've been told I'm a good buffer.

Ethan Choi: I... I would like that. I didn't want to put any pressure on you. I know how you hate the holidays after what happened with your mom.

Connor Rhodes: Maybe it's time to make some new memories... And I can't think of a better person to do it with. So my next question is, how are we going to play it? Am I a friend with nowhere else to go? Or a colleague in need?

Ethan Choi: The boyfriend I'm bringing home to meet my family...

Connor Rhodes: Boyfriend has a nice ring to it. So they know?

Ethan Choi: That I've been seeing someone.

Connor Rhodes: That it's me?

Ethan Choi: My family will just be happy that I'm happy. Race, gender, age doesn't really come into it.

Connor Rhodes: It must have been nice growing up in a family like that.

Ethan Choi: It was. I'm glad you get to meet them.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Choi has a confrontation in the E.R

_Connor Rhodes: Hey, I guess I missed you this morning. You sneak out early?_

_Ethan Choi: Trust me, it was a tough call. I wanted nothing more than to curl up with you but I promised Sarah I'd help look for that patient of hers, the one involved with the sex trafficking ring._

_Connor Rhodes: And you were afraid she'd go around all those dangerous places alone. You don't have to explain, I would have done the same thing._

_Ethan Choi: Let me make it up to you, lunch is on me._

_Connor Rhodes: Is that because your going to be out tonight?_

_Ethan Choi: Sarah's going to be relentless until she finds this guy._

_Connor Rhodes: Then it's a yes to lunch and if I get off shift on time I'll come out and help. Three of us will be able to get around quicker._

_Ethan Choi: Text me the time for your lunch break and I'll meet you in the cafeteria._

* * *

Mr Wallace was deceptively likable for a man who was doing thirty years in prison for a double homicide, however that was nothing new to Doctor Choi. He'd treated prisoners before and he would again. The man had been surprisingly charismatic despite the fact he had arrived with a penetrating stab wound in the lower abdomen, which had turned out to be self inflicted. Goodwin had informed him that sometimes patients like that just wanted a break from the reality of their situation. A vacation from prison she had called it. The term didn't sit well with Ethan. In his world things were black and white, you do the crime, you have to do the time.

It didn't help that Wallace was also highly manipulative, he'd been in the E.D three hours and he had lied to Ethan a handful of times and declared he was 'extremely depressed and wanted to hurt himself', which had forced Ethan to extend his stay because he had to call Doctor Charles for a psyche consult.

Ethan tilted his head up towards as Doctor Charles approached him, his tablet in his hand as he addressed his colleague.

"Spoke to your patient, ." he told Ethan, looking at the other man over the top of his glasses.

"Let me guess, not a suicide risk." Ethan uttered, his gaze sliding towards Treatment Room Five where his prisoner was being held.

"Garden variety sociopath. He's an opportunist, knows all the buzz words. There's not a sincere bone in his body." the other man relayed before shaking his head and continuing on his way.

Ethan turned his attention to Sarah who was hovering in the space beside him, her fingers tapping rhythmically on the keyboard. Her worry for Danny was evident, it had been all day and Ethan thought maybe a distraction would help take her mind off of the young man for at least a couple of minutes.

"Reese, can you start the discharge paperwork?" Ethan requested before his gaze flickered back to Treatment Room Five. "It would be good for you to experience how we deal with the discharging of prisoners. Let me know when the paperwork ready and we can do it together."

Sarah nodded her agreement before opening up a new browser page and making a start.

* * *

_Connor Rhodes: Hey I can take some time off in about half an hour if you want to grab lunch?_

_Ethan Choi: I would love to. I've just got to discharge this patient and then I'll meet you in the canteen._

_Connor Rhodes: Lunch is on you remember._

_Ethan Choi: How could I forget?_

* * *

"Mr Wallace." Ethan announced as he stepped inside of Treatment Room Five, Doctor Reese following closely behind him. "It looks like our time together is up."

"Mm, yeah, you got me, Doc." Wallace told him jovially as Sarah moved towards the monitors, tilting them towards her so she could review his final readings."I can't put anything over on you."

"I sent his prescription ahead to the prison pharmacy." Ethan told the prison guard as the the other man approached Wallace, handcuff key in his hand. Ethan cast a glance at Sarah, arms crossed over his lean physique as he raised an eyebrow in query.

"Stats look good." she informed him, before using the tablet clasped in her hand to input the figures. Ethan nodded his agreement before he came to stand alongside Sarah, beginning the careful process of removing the wires attached to their prisoner.

"Yeah, you're a real tough guy, huh?" Wallace continued, his gaze fixated on Doctor Choi as the guard undid the first handcuff, the one that had been locked around his wrist. "Took my best shots. Bang, bang, just deflected them like Captain freaking America."

Ethan's gaze slid up, just as Wallace's arm rose, snaking towards the belt on the guard's waist. His fingers enclosed on the gun holstered there, yanking it from the black leather sheath in one smooth movement. It was over before Ethan had a chance to blink, the gun was in Wallace's hand and pointed directly at prison guard as he stood there looking dumbfounded.

That sinister smile was back, it was cold and calculating as he pointed the gun directly at the prison guard's head and uttered the word.

"Bang."


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan looks death straight in the eye.

_Connor Rhodes: Hey Ethan, just checking in. I guess you must have gotten too busy for lunch. I'll catch up with you later x_

* * *

**Bang!**

The sound of the gunshot ripped through the air like an explosion, causing the guard's head to snap back as an alarming amount of brain matter spattered on the glass wall behind him. The acrid scent of gun powder filled Ethan's nostrils as the guard's body collapsed into a lifeless heap on the white tiled floor. His instincts were screaming as he darted in front of Sarah, shoving her behind him. His dark eyes fixated on the enemy, the gun swinging up for a second time as Ethan backed up a step forcing Sarah even further away from the weapon.

It wasn't the first time he looked down the barrel of a gun, to say you got used to it would be a lie. There was a rush of blood echoing in his ears, his valiant heart pounding against his ribs like a jackhammer as he stared at the nine millimeter, his brain working a mile a minute. All he could think about was the trajectory of the bullet and the force behind it. If Wallace shot him he didn't want the risk of it passing through his body and striking Sarah as well, he would do his very best to give her chance, no matter what the cost.

On the opposite side of the glass, his team were already kicking it up a gear. He didn't have to look to know that Maggie had activated the Code 417 protocol, the one that he had forced his team to practice over and over again. They were prepared for this, their application of the Controlled Lockdown of the E.D would be seamless so all he had to worry about was the man on the other side of the gun, that and the woman behind him. The one that was so terrified, he could hear the rapid intake of her breathing as she began to hyperventilate.

Wallace transferred the gun to his left hand, holding it steady and pointed directly at them as he used the cuff key, he'd snatched off the guard to unlock the second set of handcuffs. To Choi's surprise, the gun never dipped, it stayed level and firm as Wallace removed his wrist from the steel cuff. He was ambidextrous Ethan realised as he transferred his gun back to the right hand, before plucking the first set of handcuffs off the bed his hungry gaze flickering up over Ethan's left shoulder.

"You can leave." he gestured to Ethan, his lecherous stare fixated solely on the only woman in the room. Sarah stiffened behind him, sucking a deep breath in through her nose in an attempt to calm herself as she used the palm of her hand to push Ethan forward towards freedom.

He knew what would happen if he left this room. The man in him would simply not allow it. Sarah Reese was family to him and he would not leave her to be brutalized by this man, he would do everything in his power to stop that from happening.

"No." Ethan said, standing his ground. He brought himself up to his full height, his eyes meeting Wallace's for the first time since the other man had gotten hold of the Beretta.

"Aw Doc." Wallace mocked, his lips forming a grim smile, his hand never wavering. "I don't wanna have to shoot you."

"I'm not leaving." Ethan reinforced, his tone forceful, his eyes narrowing as he stared own the other man.

It was a test of wills, one alpha dog to another.

"Bang." the other man whispered, before the gun went off once more.

* * *

The winter air bit at Connor's cheeks as he huddled into the very depths of his winter jacket. The hospital had been evacuated over half an hour ago now, he'd heard rumors of a fire, a gun man and then a faulty vending machine, if he was honest he was more inclined to believe the last one after he'd lost a couple of bucks in the soda dispenser. It served the damn thing right if it caught fire.

The moment Connor saw the expression on Doctor Charles's face he knew that something terrible had happened. It was in the lumbering way that he moved, the way his head was bowed almost in reverence as he clasped his hands in front of him.

"Connor." Doctor Charles said haplessly as he came to a stand still in front of the other man. There was a powerful emotion riding up inside of him, a knot of anxiety beginning to form as he crossed his arms over his broad chest in an attempt to gather some distance. "It's Ethan."

He felt the world shift, not just slightly, it was like someone had grabbed the rug and yanked it right out from underneath him. He felt Doctor Charles comforting grip on his arm, bringing him back down to earth as the words 'prisoner' and 'hostage' rang in his ears. He struggled to string them together into a sentence as Doctor Charles guided him towards the brick wall and forced him to sit down before his knees buckled.

"Do we know anything?" Connor asked, his dark eyebrows furrowing into a deep line as he rocked back and forth slightly, trying to get a handle on the rampant panic that was beginning to rattle through his chest. Things were clicking into place now, Ethan not showing up for lunch, not responding to his text.

"Not yet." Doctor Charles uttered solemnly, staring down at his clasped hands before speaking again. If there's anyone that can handle a situation like this it's Doctor Choi. With his military background, this will be a cake walk for him."

Connor rubbed his hands over his distraught features, trying to shake off the sensation of dread building up inside him. The longer this went on the less chance Ethan and Sarah had of walking out of there unscathed. Doctor Charles knew that as well as he did. However it didn't cost them anything to hope, Connor thought, or to pray.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan makes the ultimate sacrifice for a colleague.

Ethan's head was pounding, that brutal throb was radiating at the back of his head as he struggled to open eyes. The pain in his left shoulder was excruciating, he'd never felt anything like that burning agony in his entire life. The taste of copper was in his mouth, the tang of fresh blood hanging in the air, it took him a second to realise that it was his own. Once more that spell of exhaustion hit him like tsunami, dragging him back under, his eyes flicking closed as his head slumped back against the wall. His breathing was coming out in short, rapid pants, he could feel his chest constricting against the affliction in his shoulder as he strained his ears trying to make out the flurry of sounds around him.

He picked out a voice, someone familiar...

It took him a moment to make the connection and when he did, the adrenaline was like a burst of lightning exploding through his veins, igniting every single one of his synapses.

Sarah...

It was the distress in her voice that did it, her fear was pungent and all consuming as he heard the unmistakable tear of cloth, rip through the air. He wasn't sure how he got to his feet, there was a drive in him, one that he recognized from long ago, back when they'd been taking fire in Afghanistan. It was a violent, savage need to protective and it fueled him as he finally managed to straighten his damaged form.

Sarah was jammed up against the bed that Wallace had previous occupied. Her left wrist had been forced into the hand cuff on the opposite side of the metal frame restraining her arm. Wallace gripped her right in a painful maneuver bending it backwards towards the other stainless steel confinement. Her hair had come loose, those corkscrew curls of hers falling around her stricken, terrified features. The gun was jammed under her slender chin, pressed into the soft flesh of her throat as Wallace jammed his lower body against hers, in an attempt to pin her in place.

"Be good." the other man hissed. "You don't want to end up like the others do you?"

Sarah cried out, her head tipping back under the force of the gun so that her eyes roved upwards coming to rest on Ethan as he approached silently behind Wallace.

"I'll be good." she whispered tearfully, her gaze flickering back towards Wallace. Her lower lip trembled and Ethan watched with disgust as Wallace set the gun down on the cabinet beside the bed, as far away as he could from Sarah before his thumb traced the outline of her lips.

There was no way Ethan could reach it, the other man was standing directly in the way. It looked like he was stuck with Plan A, he just hoped that he'd be able to pull it off or there was a risk the two of them may end up dead.

"You've got a beautiful mouth." Wallace murmured to Sarah, his thumb once more dragging over her lower lip. "So pretty..."

Ethan took his chance. He lunged, his right arm sweeping around Wallace's thick neck and locking around his throat, yanking him taunt against his while he drew back his left fist and punched it as hard as he could into the other man's kidney. Wallace howled, his head reeling back into the crook of Ethan's right shoulder, his hands clawing at Ethan's bare arm in an attempt to extract himself from the hold. His grip was waning, Ethan could feel it slipping as agony tore up his left shoulder. Wallace bucked against him, jabbing his left elbow into Ethan's ribs causing his body to wrench at the nauseating onslaught of pain. Wallace jerked forward, lunging for the gun as Ethan's knees buckled underneath him. His head was spinning as he fell to his knees, the tiles rushing up to greet him. He could hear Sarah's screams ringing in his ears as rough fingers laced through his hair, yanking it back by the roots so his face was turned upwards towards the florescent lights, blinding him. He felt the cold muzzle of the gun press against his firm chest.

There were no Hail Mary's, no last resorts just Ethan Choi facing the specter of death in his final moments.

"I'm sorry Sarah." he whispered before Wallace's finger squeezed the trigger and it all faded to black.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan fights for his life.

The blood was everywhere. The strong tangy stench of copper hung in the air as Doctor Will Halstead forced his palm flat over the padded gauze in attempt to staunch the bleeding from his friend's chest. On the opposite side of the gurney Doctor Natalie Manning was using scissors to cut away the material of Ethan's burgundy scrubs.

It had been five minutes since SWAT had allowed them into the room, four since they had managed to shift Ethan's prone body from the floor to the gurney so that they could transport him into Baghdad, the treatment room set up especially for dealing with the victims of gunshot wounds. The first thing Will had wanted to do was get this friend straight out of the hellhole that Treatment Room Five had become. The level of carnage in there...

A con let lose with a gun, could do was frightening and he thanked God that SWAT had managed to take the shot when they did otherwise they wouldn't be treating Ethan at all. The only good thing that had come out of this was the fact Wallace was dead, killed in the same manner in which he had intended to finish Ethan off in, according to Sarah.

"Ethan, I need you to stop fighting us." Will said in his sternest tone as Ethan reached up with his right hand and tore the oxygen mask from his face.

He'd been unconscious when they had gotten to him, lying in a pool of his own blood from the ragged wound in his shoulder and the second in his chest. His pallor was grey, his pulse weak and thready as perspiration dried on his forehead. It wasn't until they got him onto the gurney and placed the plastic oxygen mask over his mouth and nose that he began to regain consciousness, he'd been combative ever since.

"Ethan look at me." Natalie attempted, dipping her head in attempt to reassure their friend. "You're safe, Sarah is safe."

Ethan's dark eyes fixed on her, that wet rasp echoing in the air around them as Natalie moved to replace the oxygen mask. His right hand shot out, clamping down on her wrist in a grip that was almost painful as he wheezed rapidly in an attempt to spit the words out.

"Get Connor."

There was an urgency in his features that Natalie had come to know well over the years she had worked in the E.D and it broke her heart into a million pieces. Her friend knew just how close he was to death, why he wanted Connor was a mystery to her but obviously it meant something to him. She wouldn't risk betraying his final wish if this was what it was.

"Get Doctor Rhodes in here." she barked at April, who disappeared out into the E.D in search of the other man.

Connor was there in what felt like seconds, his pale features distraught as he reviewed the scene before him with a raising sense of horror. There was an ache in his throat, his whole chest felt like a weight was crushing down on him as he took careful steps around the team working on his lover and squeezed into the gap that Natalie had made for him at the top of the bed. His vibrant blue eyes were stinging as his fingers sought out Ethan's hand, grasping it tightly in his own. He used his hand to brush away the damp, dark hair plastered to Ethan's forehead, a watery smile on those handsome features.

"I'm here." he said, forcing his tone to remain hopeful and upbeat despite the fact it felt like someone was tearing his heart right out of his chest. "April tells me you've been misbehaving."

Ethan's soulful dark eyes focused on his, his hand squeezing as hard as it could as he forced the words he had been longing to say for what felt like eons out of his mouth.

"Love. You."

Connor choked out a sob, his entire body wracked with the force of it as he brought Ethan's hand up to his mouth, his lips gently brushing over the knuckles. Ethan's hand fell limp, slipping from Connor's as his eyes rolled backwards into his head. Around them all of the monitors were shrieking, that familiar, deafening whine was the only thing Connor could hear as April grasped his arm and tore him backwards away from Ethan. His back hit the wall, his knees trembling as he watched his friends go to work on his lover, his eyes fixated on Ethan's unmoving chest.

The ground was shifting once more, he could feel the floor disappearing under his feet as he slid down the wall, those bone quaking sobs overwhelming his entire body. He couldn't breath past the immense pressure in his chest, tears were flowing thick and fast down his dark stubbled cheeks as his entire world began to fall apart.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of texts exchanged by the staff of Chicago Med.

Will Halstead: Did you know?

Natalie Manning: No. I had no idea. I mean I knew they were hanging out more, I just never considered that the two of them were a couple.

Will Halstead: I can't get the sound he made out of my head.

Natalie Manning: When Ethan crashed...

Will Halstead: Yea. It was like part of Connor was dying too.

* * *

Sharon Goodwin: How's Doctor Reese doing?

Daniel Charles: She is coping. What happened to her... or rather to them. It's not something you bounce back from in a hurry. I've put her in the Doctor's lounge for now, the police want to go over her statement.

Sharon Goodwin: I guess they want to cover all of their bases. Convict gets hold of a gun and they want to know whose responsible.

Daniel Charles: Sarah says the prison guard, he wasn't paying attention. He leaned over Wallace to undo the other cuff and that's when Wallace managed to get the gun. If it wasn't for Ethan we would be looking at more causalities.

Sharon Goodwin: Oh there's no doubt Doctor Choi's a hero. That man was a saving grace in this situation. The point is this shouldn't have happened, not in my hospital, not on my watch.

Daniel Charles: Sharon, I don't see how you could have stopped it. It's because of the protocols you put in place that nobody else was injured or killed. The hospital was evacuated safely.

Sharon Goodwin: Thank you Daniel but it doesn't make me feel any less responsible. I've been trying to get hold of Ethan's parents but so far no joy.

Daniel Charles: I think it might be best if you speak to Doctor Rhodes, he may have some ideas on how to contact them.

Sharon Goodwin: The two of them are...

Daniel Charles: For about three or four months now.

Sharon Goodwin: I can't say I'm surprised. It would explain a few things. They've both seemed happier lately.

Daniel Charles: Oh to be young and in love. Any news about how the surgery is going?

Sharon Goodwin: It'll be a couple more hours I think, the managed to get the first bullet out of his shoulder, the second one is a little more tricky, it looks like it bounced around causing some internal bleeding.

Daniel Charles: And here's me hoping we got lucky.

Sharon Goodwin: Technically we did get lucky, the bullet didn't hit his heart. The damage to his left lung is repairable. I think we got the best outcome we could hope for in the time being.

* * *

Noah Sexton: Hey, I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. What you went through was pretty scary I just wanted to make sure you were ok?

Sarah Reese: I'm fine, a couple of bruises.

Noah Sexton: You don't look fine.

Sarah Reese: You stalking me now?

Noah Sexton: It doesn't count as stalking if you can actually see me through the opposite side of the glass.

Sarah Reese: Well that's good to know. You can come in you know?

Noah Sexton: I wasn't sure if you wanted space.

Sarah Reese: Right now that's the very last thing I want, every time I close my eyes I keep seeing Doctor Choi just lying there. I felt so helpless, I tried to reach him but I just couldn't.

Noah Sexton: Sarah, you did everything you could and we all know that.

Sarah Reese: I should have done more. He saved me Noah, he could have left me alone with Wallace but he wouldn't and he got shot for it.

Noah Sexton: What more could you have done? Realistically, Doctor Choi was is a trained Navy Reservist, he has seen combat and even he couldn't see a way out of the situation. You did the best that you could, that's all anyone can ask.

* * *

April Sexton: The police are finished with Treatment Room Five, so we can use it again once maintenance gets in there.

Maggie Lockwood: I'm not sure anybody wants to. This is a place that is supposed to feel safe, that people come to when their hurt and right now all that room represents is the place where our friend got shot.

April Sexton: Your saying it has bad juju?

Maggie Lockwood: I'm not superstitious but I don't think it would hurt to let Keoni work some magic in there. It would make me feel better and probably a lot of the other staff too.

April Sexton: Give him a call, I'm sure he'd be happy to lend a hand.

* * *

Cornelius Rhodes: Connor, I saw the news. There are rumors...

Connor Rhodes: I know Dad, I'm fine. It was another doctor that was injured in the shooting.

Cornelius Rhodes: It wasn't those rumors I was referring too. I've heard your involved with another doctor, a male resident.

Connor Rhodes: And that is none of your concern.

Cornelius Rhodes: You've picked a fine time to decide to be experimental.

Connor Rhodes: Dad, I can not deal with this right now.

Cornelius Rhodes: Now is when we should deal with this, if this gets out it will be a P.R nightmare!

Connor Rhodes: Open your eyes it's the twenty first century, do you think anyone gives a fuck if I am gay, straight or anything else in between?

Cornelius Rhodes: You need to end it.

Connor Rhodes: I'm not doing that.

Cornelius Rhodes: Now is not the time to be stubborn.

Connor Rhodes: I love him.

Cornelius Rhodes: Love is something card companies came up with to justify their existence. You need to end it.

CONTACT BLOCKED: Cornelius Rhodes


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor clashes with his father over his relationship with Ethan.

The waiting room was quiet, Connor had never noticed just how quiet until he was sitting there in one of the lime green, half moon chairs it housed. He could hear the thudding of his own pulse in his ears as he hunched over, his hands clasped together as if in prayer. The knot of dread in his stomach was winding tighter and tighter with every passing moment and he knew the longer that Ethan spent in surgery the less chance he had of coming out of that O.R alive.

Connor was far from a religious man, he'd had a Catholic upbringing initially due to his mother 's propensity but after she had committed suicide, the notion of their being a higher being, heaven and hell... He had allowed that to die with her. He couldn't stand thought of his mother being cast below for choosing to escape a life that had left her trapped and hopeless. A religion that advocated that had no room in his life.

However it was moments like this that forced him to fall back into old habits. Times when he felt like he was losing his grasp on the world, in the faith he had in other people. So it was in rare moments like this that he prayed. He didn't know what deity he was hailing to, he'd come across many over the years that he had spent travelling, he simply called out to them all begging them to come through for him and ensure that Ethan stayed alive.

The awful truth was that Connor couldn't see much of a life without the other man. If he was honest with himself he hadn't for months, somewhere in all the passion and the intimacy he had fallen recklessly in love with the other man and now he was terrified of losing him. He raked his hands through his black hair, his fingertips kneading his scalp as he tried to relieve some of the pressure that was building inside of him. He felt like a powder keg that was slowly being filled, one pouch of gun powder at a time. After Will had brought Ethan back in the treatment room he had managed to pull himself together and maintained a mask of calm. It was something he had learned whilst dealing with his father, his teenage years had been rife with expectation and he had spent the majority of his life forcing himself to grin and bear it.

Old habits... he thought.

He'd forgotten about them in his time with Ethan. He wasn't judged for who he was and he drew strength from the other man in a way he knew he couldn't explain to anybody else. Ethan brought out the very best version of Connor Rhodes, the one that cared deeply for the people around him, that would do anything for his Tribe. Somewhere along the way he had learned to shed the selfishness and the baggage he carried. He had become a person that he was actually proud of and there was no doubt in his mind that that was because of Ethan.

The sound of his name being called drew Connor from his thoughts, he rose his head to find himself staring at the man he hated the most in the entire world. That temper inside of him was flaring, he could feel the powder keg igniting as he rose to his feet in one swift movement, drawing himself up to his full height, his vibrant blue eyes flashing.

"Dad..." he drawled through clenched teeth. "What are you doing here?"

Cornelius Rhodes was only a few inches taller that his son, however he still looked down on him as if he was nothing more than a mild irritation. Despite the fact they had been estranged for a number of years he had always believed that one day his son would see sense and learn humility, he had thought that he'd be able to welcome him back into the fold with open arms. Instead Connor seemed to be on a mission to become the biggest pain in the ass humanly possible. He'd taken a trauma fellowship at one of the most prestigious hospitals in the city, right under his very nose he may add and proceeded to make him look like an idiot time and time again with the board and by extension some of the people he had spent a lot of time trying to impress. His son getting caught up in a shooting at the hospital where he worked would make the Rhodes family the topic of conversation for weeks, it looked heroic, like he had come from good stock, it lent a certain reputation to the family name. His son being in love with one of the victims...

Well that left a bad taste in everybody's mouth.

In his world, you grew up, worked hard, enjoyed your money and then married richer. Afterward you'd pop a couple of kids out in order to keep the family name going. That was life in a nutshell. However Connor had just thrown a major spanner in the works. One that people were going to be talking about for months if Cornelius didn't figure out a way to get it back under control. Having a doctor in the family was one thing, the profession was highly respectable after all and Connor was very much at the top of his field. However having a dalliance with a man...

Boys would be boys, he understood that people experimented. He expected it was part of trying to find your place in the world but this appeared to be far more than that. Connor had used the word love and that was not a term the Rhodes family threw around, if this was a relationship his son would have to end it. He dreaded what the boys at the country club would be saying next time they went for a round of golf.

"I had to talk to you about this man." Cornelius began, his look pointed as Connor crossed his arms over his broad chest.

"Ethan." Connor told his father with a glacial tone. "His name is Ethan."

"You must know how it reflects on the family." Cornelius told his son, his coal black eyes boring into the depths of his Connor's spirited blue ones. To his credit Connor didn't flinch, he simply stared back before pursing his lips together, his nostrils flaring as he tried to get a grasp on his temper.

"Since when was my private life any of your concern?" Connor hissed, venom dripping from every single one of his words. "You didn't give a shit about me until you found out about Ethan. If you had really meant what you said when I first got back, you would be coming here to support me instead your here giving me hell because I'm in love with a man."

There was silence for a moment as his words rang loud and clear in the air. For the first time in what felt like forever Cornelius actually took the time to look at his son. His eyes were red rimmed with dark circles making his pale features look even more sallow in the florescent light. His thick dark hair was unkempt, falling over his face at a multitude of angles. His burgundy scrubs were creased from where he had spent hours hunched over in them. For Cornelius it was time for Connor to make a choice, his family or his rebellion. He had had enough of being undermined by his son's behavior.

"Connor, this man, the one you 'love'." the world felt alien on Cornelius's tongue as he spoke, he paused for a moment, grimacing as if he had experienced something unpleasant. "Is he really worth throwing away your family name?"

Connor didn't even have to consider the answer, he tilted his head up, meeting his father's heavy gaze with an unflinching stare of his own.

"Yes."


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarah reflects on everything that happened.

It was late in the afternoon when Sarah Reese found herself stepping off the elevator and into the waiting room that had almost become home to Connor Rhodes over the past few hours. In her hands she held two coffees, both mochas with a double shot of espresso for the extra caffeine boost. It had been three hours since Doctor Choi had been shot and there was still no word from the surgeons regarding his progress. The last she had heard they were still searching the second bullet that had apparently gone astray somewhere in his chest. She knew it didn't look good for him but she knew if anyone could pull through this it would Doctor Choi, he was one of the strongest people she knew, inside the hospital and outside it.

What he had done for her today... Words could not describe her only had he saved her life but he had also saved her dignity, seemingly at the cost of his own and there was no way she could ever repay him but she could honor him. Right now Connor was grieving his lover, stuck in the treacherous valley of limbo, the young surgeon was never good with indecision. Sarah had come to learn that about him over the past year whilst she had worked along side of him. What she hadn't known was the fact somewhere along the way he had fallen in love with his colleague.

As a psych resident she felt she should have picked up on that but the truth was she hadn't had a clue and it appeared with the exception of Doctor Charles none of the other people they worked with had either. When she looked back there had been signs, the secret smiles they seemed to share every once in a while, both seemed happier, more secure in themselves. She knew that one of her faults was putting people into tidy little boxes and if she was really honest with herself she could admit that she had done that with each of them. Both had past relationships with women so she had never expected the possibility that they would fall for one another, the fact that they had though...

That didn't surprise her at all.

They worked well together in a professional capacity and on a much more personal level. Despite coming from different backgrounds Connor had always seemed to understand Ethan's rigidness and that carefree side of him softened their formerly uptight colleague. Ethan was always the reliable one in any given situation, she had lost count of the amount of times he had been a pillar of strength in the face of adversity, always supporting the people around him. She knew deep down that Doctor Rhodes needed that. He'd lived a solitary existence for such a long time before he'd come to Chicago Med, always maintaining distance between him and other people for fear that his father would turn them the way he had others in the past. She knew that from conversations the two of them had had during her internship in the E.D. He'd never come out and say it but the implications had been there all the same.

Having just seen the exchange between Connor and his father she could see that he had valid enough reason to think like that. The older man was a classic narcissist, everything that had happened today had been hellishly traumatic for his son and all he could focus on was the potential damage it may do to his reputation. She didn't understand how Connor had managed to survive that man. Suddenly his time away from Chicago made a hell of a lot more sense. A father like that was enough to drive anyone a little crazy.

Her eyes came to rest on Connor as he sunk back into the lime green half moon chair he had previously occupied and placed his dark head in his hands. His shoulders were wrought with tension as he rubbed at his eyes with his palms wearily. She couldn't imagine what he had to be going through right now. He carried that burden so valiantly, she simply couldn't understand how the hell he was still standing under the weight of it all. A lesser man would have crumbled eons ago.

Wordlessly she came to sit down in the seat beside him, the cardboard take out cups of coffee coming to rest upon each of her knees as she made herself comfortable. Connor, sensing the movement, raised his head from his hands, tipping his chin towards her in greeting. Sarah reached out the coffee in her left hand towards him. He took it without saying a word and it occurred to her that the poor man was probably too emotionally exhausted to even speak. He sipped his coffee gingerly, closing his eyes briefly as he allowed himself to indulge in the sweet and somehow bitter taste.

"He saved me." Sarah said finally, her eyes roving up to the florescent lights on the ceiling as she warmed her palms on the take out cup clasped between her hands. "He could have walked away..."

"No he couldn't." Connor sighed, leaning forward in his chair, his thumb tracing along the firm, cardboard ripples of the cup. "He's not built like that."

"How do you thank someone for something like that?" she asked him, her chest heavy with emotion as she remembered those moments, the ones that would haunt her nightmares for years to come.

"Pandas." Connor stated, the edges of his lips tipping up into a knowing smile.

Sarah's pencil thin eyebrows creased into a frown as she surveyed him for a second, positive she had misheard. Connor met her eyes and for the first time since this whole ordeal had begun she thought she saw that tiny humorous glint in his exhausted blue eyes.

"Ethan loves pandas." Connor explained in more detail, his smile growing just a smidgen as he spoke. "On our days off he sometimes drags me to the zoo, it's always the first and last animal we go and see."

"So Doctor Choi, who is basically a badass, loves panda bears." Sarah said slowly allowing the words to filter into her head as a slow grin began to creep across her features.

"Honestly." Connor asserted, nodding to empathize his point. "Anything to do with them."

An idea was beginning to form inside Sarah's head, she could feel the beginning of it prickle at the recesses of her mind before she pulled her cellphone out of her pocket. She knew what Connor needed right now was a distraction, something to take his mind off of the awful predicament he was in and the terrible things his father had said.

"I'm need your help." she told Connor, indicating for him to also remove his cellphone from the pocket of his scrubs. "We're going to track down some pandas."


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan finally wakes up.

Fingers were combing through Connor Rhode's thick, dark hair, fingertips lightly caressing his scalp as his head rested on his folded arms on top of Ethan's hospital bed. The sensation was a pleasant one, one that made him feel contented as he stirred from what had been a troubled sleep. He didn't want to remember the nightmares, he brushed them away like cobwebs as his senses began to awaken. All too quickly it was over, that tender touch disappeared leaving an absent feeling in his psyche as he grumbled, his tired blue eyes flickering open.

It took him a moment to gather his thoughts and take in his surroundings as he listened to the sound of Ethan's even breathing over the steady beeping of the monitors in the background. It had been a few hours since he had come out of surgery and the outcome looked positive. The bullets had damaged the muscles in Ethan's shoulder and chest, also causing a bleed inside the thorax that his lungs had begun to soak up. They'd fixed the bleed, removed the bullets and given Ethan a blood transfusion before patching him up and sending him up to recovery. Ethan had awoken briefly after the anesthesia had worn off, giving enough time for Doctor Abrams had to check if there were any deficits from the lack of oxygen his brain had been receiving when he was coding. Thankfully there were none.

Ethan had drifted off back to sleep again before being wheeled into one of the Cardiology ward's private rooms. It had been over three hours since then and after the insanity of the day, the adrenaline that had been keeping Connor going had seemed to wane and he must have dropped off at some point. The muscles in his lower back twanged from the hunched position he had fallen asleep in, between the chair and Ethan's bed.

Gentle fingertips trailed over the rough stubble of his jaw this time and Connor leaned into it, his lips lightly brushing over those familiar fingertips before he supported his head on one arm and turned his full attention to his lover.

Ethan was propped up against the plush hospital pillows, his neck supported by the very tops of them as he reviewed Connor from hooded lids. His pallor was much paler than usual but there was color in his cheeks and that was a good sign. That square, white bandage pad peeked out, just over the neckline of Ethan's hospital gown. It was a stark reminder of what had happened today, of how close Connor had come to losing his lover. He felt that huge ache of emotion balling in his chest once more as his mind drifted back to those moments back downstairs, the ones in which Ethan had slipped away from him.

Ethan tapped his fingers weakly on the mattress with his right hand, distracting Connor from those darker thoughts. He knew that Ethan needed to feel the thrum of their connection right now, the same way he did so Connor obliged happy. He reached out, his soft surgeon's fingers threading through Ethan's rougher ones until their hands were entwined.

"How long have you been awake?" Connor asked his lover, watching as Ethan's dark unfocused eyes took in the room round him with rapid blinks.

"Minutes." Ethan responded feebly, he paused sucking in a deep breath, wincing when it hurt. "Parents?"

"They should be getting on their flight from Hawaii in the next hour or two, I think we'll be seeing them first thing in the morning." Connor informed Ethan, his thumb softly stroking the space between his lover's thumb and forefinger. "I've been keeping them up to date."

"Thanks." Ethan said, his gaze slipping to the bedside cabinet alongside, his dark soulful eyes brightening for just a moment before he started laughing.

That sound, it hit Connor like a ray of sunshine, brightening up his entire world. Ethan jerked for a second, his handsome face creasing with agony at the sensation in his chest before he sagged back against his pillows. There was still a smile on his face though, Connor knew it would take a while for his lover to come to terms with his current limitations but he was happy to support the other man through it.

"I got you this little guy." Connor told Ethan, reaching for the stuffed panda with his free hand and tucking it into the crook of Ethan's right arm, nestling it safely between his inner elbow and torso. "Sarah went a little over the top with the gift basket."

Ethan was still grinning as he took in the gift basket in all it's entirety. To say it was panda themed was an understatement. Tucked inside the wicker basket was a vast assortment of items, Ethan could see a panda t-shirt, panda socks, a mug, pens, a blanket, a cushion, even panda shaped lollipops. Attached to the handle of the wicker basket was a foil panda helium balloon, it's cheery features surveying the room as it bounced barely inches from the ceiling.

"That. . Come. From. The. Giftshop." Ethan strained to get the words out, his chest heaving as his gaze flickered upwards towards the balloon.

"No it did not." Connor stated, hiding his own mischievous smile behind his free hand.

"You helped." Ethan accused.

"She wanted to do something nice for you." Connor said with a halfhearted shrug. "I just pointed her in the right direction.

Ethan's eyes were beginning to flicker closed again, Connor already see his lean shoulders relaxing as his head began to loll slightly under it's own weight. Ethan was trying to fight it but Connor knew from experience that it wouldn't take him long before he was dragged back under again.

"Sleep." Connor urged, purposely lowering his voice as Ethan squeezed his hand as tightly as he could.

"Stay?" Ethan questioned, his dark eyes already closed, his breathing beginning to even out.

"Always." Connor whispered as Ethan drifted away once more.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will and Evan discuss their relationships.

The Chicago skyline was wrought with dark clouds, shrouding the city with an ominous gloom as Ethan stared at it from his place on the rooftop of the hospital. He could see rain in the distance and he knew it wouldn't be long before the dour weather was upon them. Both his shoulder and his chest were aching, he could feel that irritating itch under the fabric of the light grey Pirate Panda t-shirt and clenched the handrail even harder in an attempt not to scratch it. They were all signs that his body was healing from the shooting over a fortnight ago. His left arm was still in the white sling, clasped against his body so that he didn't damage the muscles any further.

The flesh that had been seared by the bullets was beginning to knit together. Ethan would still carry the scars of that day for the rest of his life but it was a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things. He was just happy to be alive. There was no doubt in his mind of how close he had come to death, the thought of that scared him just enough for him to get his shit together and stop living in the past.

The cat was out of the bag in terms of him and Connor and Ethan had to admit he was content that they didn't have to hide it anymore. The reaction from his colleagues was supportive and endearing, Ethan wasn't sure why he had dreaded it so much. He had always been a private person and there had been a part of him that felt like he was protecting Connor by keeping his lips sealed. The other man's father had had the potential to make both of their lives a misery and Ethan had no doubt that Cornelius Rhodes had his ear to the ground as far as his son was concerned. Connor had been brief upon relaying the argument the two of them had had whilst he was in surgery, Connor's father had threatened to disown him and this time Connor thought he would make good on that threat. Reese had been the one that had filled him in on the brutality of it. Connor had never told him that Cornelius had told him to choose and according to Sarah there had been no hesitation when he picked Ethan. He wasn't sure how to feel about that, on one side he was grateful that Connor valued their relationship so much and on the other...

He wished it hadn't have to have been a choice.

Ethan had to admit though, the sneaking around had had an aphrodisiac effect upon the two of them, there were nights when they'd barely gotten over the threshold before they were on each other. It had taken weeks for the rug burns to heal last time. He smiled at that memory, imagining Connor's soft hands raking through his hair, gripping it tightly as his tongue swirled around the tip of his lover's hard cock before he took it even deeper into his mouth. The sound that Connor made when he came had been enough to tip Ethan over the edge.

Ethan missed those moments. The two of them had been hadn't been intimate in nearly a month and if Ethan was honest it was killing him. He craved Connor in ways that were profound, the need was relentless and urgent and he wanted nothing more than to hear his name on his lover's lips as he drove the other man to completion. Physically he wasn't up to that and Connor was more aware of that than anyone. When things got heated between the two of them, he was always the first to pull away, always conscious of how much it could hurt Ethan if they took those deviant kisses any further. That frustrated Ethan more than he cared to admit. He was used to being an active participant in their love making and he hated not being able to touch Connor the way he wanted to.

"I thought I'd find you up here."

Ethan glanced over his shoulder to see Will approaching, in his freckled hands he held two cardboard take away cups. He came to stand alongside Ethan, putting one on top of the ledge in front of him. Ethan took it gratefully, sipping the cup tentatively before smiling against the rim.

"It looks like my secret is out." he said tipping his cup knowingly towards Will.

"I get why it's your 'feel good' drink." Will responded, resting his back against the barrier, his elbows resting upon the metal handrail. "And it's better than turning to alcohol at the end of a hard day."

"Depends on who your drinking with." Ethan said with mirth as Will nodded his head in agreement.

They fell into a relaxed silence. it was clear that the other man had something on his mind, he could see it in the way Will's shoulders sagged as he stared into the depths of his coffee cup. Ethan took a slug of the hot chocolate as he waited for Will to speak.

"How did you know?" Will asked quietly. "To take that risk with Connor."

"The heart wants what the heart wants." Ethan said cryptically.

The way he felt about Connor, it was for them and them alone. When he'd kissed Connor that night it hadn't been about taking risks, it had been about instinct, about loving someone so much you got swept away in every single aspect of them.

"I thought my feelings for Nat would go away now that I'm living with Nina." Will admitted, raising his head towards the heavens as if praying for strength. "But I just can't seem to let her go."

"When you feel that way for someone..." Ethan revealed, turning his attention back to the Chicago skyline. "...it's not something you can just let go of. You need to be honest with yourself."

"I guess I need to talk to Nina." Will sighed, cradling the warm cardboard coffee cup against his chest.

"Yea," Ethan said, his gaze fixated on the storm that was brewing in the distance. "I guess you do."


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan shows Connor his appreciation.

Connor was changing the sheets on their bed when he felt Ethan's presence lingering behind him. He was on all fours, trying to jam the final corner of the bottom sheet over the mattress when the mattress depressed just behind him and Ethan's firm hands came to rest upon his hips. The front of his thighs pressed tenderly against Connor's glutes, rocking slightly against his buttocks. Connor exhaled deeply, pausing his actions as a sensuous thrill shot through his nerve endings. It felt like eons since Ethan had touched him like this and he yearned for it more than anything in the world.

It had been two months since the shooting and Connor was incredibly aware of the damage that Ethan had suffered through. His doctors had warned against strenuous activities, that could cause any jarring to the healing muscles and sex had been at the top of that list. Seeing his lover come home in agony after physiotherapy and the length of time it took him to recover after each bout ate him up inside. There was definitely an improvement in mobility but the road was still an endurance. He knew that frustrated Ethan, he was used to being physically active and constantly mobile.

It was only in the past few weeks that the two of them had begun to fool around. The desire was always there, now more than ever and Connor spent hours with his slow, deviant hands and his hot wet mouth worshiping his lover. He wanted to make the experiences incredible for Ethan, to show him how much he was loved.

Admittedly Connor still missed the physical soul-blending aspect of their love making. He loved bringing Ethan pleasure but there was a level of intimacy that couldn't be reached with foreplay alone. It was an all consuming sensation, one that stole his breath and left him with no doubt in his mind that Ethan and him belonged together mind, body and soul.

Ethan's nimble fingers were already creeping underneath the hem of his navy blue shirt, ghosting up along the line of his waist before trailing along the contours of his chest. His thumb sought out his sensitive nipple, sweeping over it roughly making Connor grunt in pleasure as he tipped his head back. Ethan arched his hips just a fraction so that Connor could feel his steely hard member pressing against his ass through their clothes.

It excited Connor, that pulse of white, hot desire thrust through him as Ethan used the left hand on his hip to hold him in place. He had forgotten what it was like to be at the mercy of his lover, how much of a turn on it was for Ethan to be in control, something he understood the other man needed. He had never questioned it but he knew there was a safety for Ethan in taking that role.

"Your shoulder..." Connor muttered halfheartedly as Ethan corkscrewed his hips, driving that throbbing member even harder against Connor's puckered flesh.

"I can do it like this." Ethan told him, an almost pleading edge to his voice as fingertips toyed with the waist band of Connor's sweatpants. "Let me love you Connor, it's been far too long."

"If it hurts..." Connor cried out suddenly as Ethan's calloused hand slipped beneath the waistband and engulfed his leaking cock suddenly. His palm was molten hot as he began to move in firm, slow motions.

"I'll stop." Ethan promised, rocking his hips in time with the movements of his hand. "You drive me crazy, you know that?"

"Show me." Connor responded through rapid pants. "I want you to show me how crazy I make you."

Any restraint Ethan could possibly have had snapped at those words, within seconds he was tearing his own clothes off and demanding that Connor do the same. There was an urgency to his actions, one that Connor recognized all too well, they needed this time to reconnect, to be with each other once more.

Connor moaned vociferously as Ethan's scorching hot mouth kissed a pathway up and along the curve of Connor's spine. His tongue flicked out, caressing over the dark outline of the tattoo that decorated Connor's muscular back, his teeth grazing the other man's supple flesh. He covered Connor's muscular form with his own, pinned him gently to the mattress, his chest pressing lightly against his lover's back as he buried his face in the curve of his lover's throat.

"I'm going to take you right here on our bed." He whispered into Connor's ear, nipping the lobe as he tilted his hips, his wanton cock sliding into the space between Connor's buttocks and pressing just there. "You need to know how much I love you."

Ethan arched his hips, pushing tenderly against Connor's puckered button, he bit down into the flesh of Connor's right shoulder as he penetrated him slowly. It was a sensuous, exquisite feeling that stole the breath right out of him. Connor was so tight around his throbbing cock, he had to pause as that immense emotional connection thrummed to life, drowning out all the other noise in Ethan's head. A sense of serenity over came in as the two of them began to rock together languidly, their movements in complete harmony with one another.

Ethan's rasping breathes were in his ears, heightening the insane pleasure that was ricocheting through Connor's body as his lover hit just the right place, over and over again. That tingling in the base of his spine was beginning to ignite through his entire body. Each wave of bliss was intoxicating, he found himself meeting Ethan thrust for thrust, writhing as his lover took him even higher. Ethan was as close as he was, he could hear it in the hitches of his voice as they made love.

"Fuck Connor, you feel incredible wrapped around me." Ethan murmured raggedly into his ear. "It always feels amazing being inside you, hearing you call my name when you come for me..."

It was those words that tipped Connor over the edge. he'd never heard of himself described as any of those things before Ethan. Hearing them roll off his lover's tongue during their most intimate moments made Connor believe them. He cried out loudly, practically yelling Ethan's name as the orgasm ripped through his body like a tidal wave, claiming him entirely. His inner walls clamped down around Ethan like a velvet fist. With a final thrust he was climaxing, his strangled holler of Connor's name echoing loudly through the bedroom, the fingers of his right hand entwined with Connor's, holding on for dear life as he came powerfully.

They collapsed together on top of the half made bed, a tangle of loving caresses as Ethan came to lie on his back, his dark eyes closed as Connor nestled into his right side, his unkempt stubble grazing across Ethan's jaw as he nuzzled that sweet spot just under his ear. His chest and his shoulder were aching like hell but being with Connor and being encompassed in this sense of contentment was worth every second.

"I love you." Connor whispered into his ear, his short breathes tickling Ethan's ear before his dark head came to rest upon Ethan's right shoulder. Ethan tilted his head, his lips tenderly brushing across Connor's hairline as he breathed.

"I love you too."


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan reflects on the time he had with Kris.

_"Ethan. It's really good to see you..."_

It was that smile that tore up Ethan's insides. It was sweet, genuine and earnest, things that he had always associated with Doctor Kristopher Delaney during their time together. He meant what he said, Ethan had been able to see it in those expressive blue eyes of his as he took in his former lover with an ache that seared through through the very fabric of his being.

He hadn't known who had taken over his position in the E.D while he recovered from his injury. At the time he had been focusing on getting better and improving his mobility. He wanted to come back to his job full time but to do that he had to take the time to salvage the physical strength that had left him in those months after the shooting.

Today had been the first day of his phased return, he was bound by the advisory board to return for only a handful of hours a day in order to build up his stamina once more. The knowledge of that pissed him off, he hated not being at full capacity. His mind had been full of that when Goodwin had summoned his temporary replacement. He hadn't paid attention when the door to Sharon's office had swung open. It was only when he'd stood up to greet his new counterpart that he found himself staring at the remnants of a past that he had put far behind him.

It had been a three years since he had last laid eyes on Kris Delaney and those final moments...

Ethan couldn't bear to think of them.

The other man looked healthier this time around, he'd gained some weight in the time they had been apart. His lean form was now more muscular, a tiny, black glimmer of those small inked crows that Ethan knew he had tattooed on his chest peeked out from the v-neck of the burgundy scrubs that he wore. He was clean shaven these days, his once wild, strawberry blond curls were tamed back into a neat cut that Ethan recognized from their days together in the military. The dark circles that he had once become accustomed to seeing were long gone, despite the fact he'd already been on shift for twelve hours, the other man looked fresh and well rested.

It would take a lifetime for him to forget the anguish in the former medic's clean cut features when Ethan had told him he was leaving. Seeing those brilliant blue eyes of his lined with tears had broken something deep down inside of Ethan. That guilt was there, pressing down on his chest and suffocating him as he gazed at Kris with a heavy ache that had reigniting in the very bottom of his heart.

He reminded himself he'd had to leave, that no one could live with something like that. After the last time those bruises they had taken weeks to fade. He could still remember staring into the mirror at his parent's house, studying the black imprints that marred his throat and wondering if he had done the right thing. He would never be able to forget that night, nor the others that had led up to the main event. It hadn't been the first time it had happened but Ethan had made sure it had been the last.

"Doctor Choi." Sharon Goodwin started cautiously, glancing between the two men standing in the center of her office. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Yea." Ethan started, his gaze fixated on Kris's elegant features, unable to tear himself away from the sight of his former lover. "Maybe I have."

* * *

There was an old Nike box that Ethan kept memories from his earlier years in the Navy. It was situated at the very back right hand corner of wardrobe since he had moved into this apartment over two years ago now. He used a damp cloth to wipe off the fine layer of dust that had settled upon the lid before setting it down on the coffee table in front of him.

His shift had ended over two hours ago and he had spent the whole duration of it with his body running through the motions as his brain tried to process the fact Kris had now walked right back into his life. He was struggling to make sense of it, coming back to this box was a compulsion, an urge that he found himself unable to control.

He lifted the lid off the box with nimble fingers before setting it aside and peering at the contents. There was handful of trinkets, souvenirs from the ports they'd docked in along with the Polaroid photographs from that old camera that Kris had carried with him whenever they'd gotten shore leave. It had been an age since he had opened this box and now he was flooded with memories from what felt like a lifetime ago.

The picture he held in his hand was one from their early days, when their ship had docked on one of the Islands and they'd been granted shore leave. The two of them had been at one of the bars, not far from the beach when Kris had asked for one of the bartenders to take their picture. Kris had slung his arm around Ethan's shoulders, drawing him in so close that he inhaled the sweet scent of coconut lotion upon the other man's skin. They'd been together almost a year at that point, talking about moving in once their tour was over. He remembered how they'd made love on the beach that night, the crashing of the waves echoing in his ears as they took their time underneath the moonlit sky. Afterwards they'd held hands, lying amongst their jumble of clothes as they stared up at the bright stars as they pin pricked the nighttime sky.

Ethan's thumb soothed over the creases in the picture, ghosting over Kris's jaunty smile. It wasn't long after that, that the two of them had been assigned to Afghanistan.

Things had never been the same between them.

Ethan placed the picture gingerly inside the Nike box before replacing the lid and putting it into the wardrobe, on the top shelf, right at the back where it belonged.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Texts between the staff of Chicago Med

Connor Rhodes: How was your first day back at work? I was hoping to come down and see you but I had to cover a few surgeries for Doctor Latham.

Ethan Choi: Don't worry about it. What time are you home tonight?

Connor Rhodes: Are you ok? You sound off.

Ethan Choi: Yea. I just miss you. The bed's not the same without you in it.

Connor Rhodes: You only have to wait a few more hours and then you can have me all to yourself.

Ethan Choi: I look forward to it.

* * *

Kris Delaney: Hey Nat, can you send me Doctor Choi's number? I need to run through a few things with him.

Natalie Manning: Sure I'll send it along.

Contact: Ethan Choi - Sent

* * *

April Sexton: Did Doctor Choi seem a little off to you today?

Maggie Lockhart: He seemed quiet but it is his first day back so I put it down to that. I can't imagine what it must be like to work in the same area where something like that happened to you.

April Sexton: Good work keeping him out of Treatment 5 by the way. I think that would have been way too much for his first day back.

Maggie Lockhart: Doctor Delaney insisted on it. He wanted Doctor Choi's transition back to the E.D as smooth as possible.

April Sexton: Noah says they did a few tours together in the Navy.

Maggie Lockhart: I didn't get that vibe off them this morning. They seemed completely professional.

April Sexton: That's weird right? Why would Doctor Delaney care enough to make sure Ethan avoided Treatment 5 if it was just professional?

Maggie Lockhart: Let's keep an eye on it over the next few days. Something doesn't feel right.

* * *

Kris Delaney: Hi Ethan, it's Kris. Have you got time to talk?

* * *

Nina Shore: If you don't remove the last of your stuff out of my apartment, I swear to God I will burn it.

Will Halstead: I'm still looking for a new place Nina and my dad's place can only accommodate so much.

Nina Shore: You have until tomorrow evening.

* * *

Connor Rhodes: That did not look like it went well.

Will Halstead: It did not. She wants the last of my stuff out of her apartment but there's nowhere else to put it. I'm living out of the bedroom at my dad's at the moment. I thought if we spoke face to face I'd be able to calm her down.

Connor Rhodes: I think you just poured fuel on the fire.

Will Halstead: Yea, this is not an amicable break up.

Connor Rhodes: Why don't you take the keys to my apartment for a couple of days, you can store your stuff there until you find a place of your own. I spend most of my time at Ethan's anyway so you'll pretty much have the place to yourself.

Will Halstead: Your sure? It would be doing me a real favor.

Connor Rhodes: I'll find you after shift to give you the keys.

* * *

2 Missed Calls - Kris Delaney

* * *

Jeff Clarke: Come on Nat, talk to me.

Natalie Manning: You can't just tell me something like that and expect me to be ok with it.

Jeff Clarke: It was something I said when I was drunk. At the time things weren't going so well with me and Lisa and I saw you at the bar and it just came out of my mouth.

Natalie Manning: I don't need you to explain it to me all over again. You made me think that we would have had his blessing. I was terrified to move on from Jeff. Even more afraid to get involved with you, my husband's best friend. And yet I thought there is no one Jeff would approve of me being in a relationship with more than you. And you let me think that.

Jeff Clarke: I am so sorry that I didn't say something sooner. I was afraid I'd lose you.

Natalie Manning: I'm sorry Jeff it's over between the two of us. Don't text me again.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan reflects on what led him to leaving Kris.

_Ethan couldn't breath. There was a heavy pressure in his chest, weighing him down as those coarse, familiar hands locked around his throat, the arc of the hands crushing down upon his windpipe. He fought it or at least he tried to. His lean body was trapped under the weight of the other man as he bore down on him, teeth grinding as he attempted to choke the life right out of Ethan. Ethan's own hands sought out the wrists, his thumbs and forefingers digging into the pressure points as he forced himself to buck underneath the body that was straddling his hips and waist. A gasp escaped his mouth as those clever fingers dug into his skin, clamping down once more on his oxygen supply. The face above him was a mask of unbridled savagery, lips curled up in a snarl. Those piercing blue eyes looking but not seeing as Ethan tried to cry out his name._

_Kris couldn't seem to hear him, that was the problem when the other man had the night terrors. He knew what Kris was seeing in those nightmares of his, back in Afghanistan his unit had disappeared for over twenty four hours. It had been the first time that Kris had had to take a life with his bare hands and he had come back a changed man. Night by night it was getting worse until Ethan thought tonight might actually be the night that Kris killed him._

_Distantly, over the rush of blood in his ears he could hear his name being called. His mind latched onto it as he fought to breath against the agony in his chest. It kept coming, getting louder and louder until it drowned out every single sensation in his body becoming the only thing he could focus on._

"Ethan!"

He woke up, twisted in the sheets with his heart pounding like a jack hammer against his rib cage. His entire body was drenched in sweat as he sucked in huge lungfuls of air, his vision blurry and unfocused. His chest was hurting, he could feel that tearing ache in the muscle just under his collarbone from where the bullet had pierced his flesh. His right hand went to his throat instinctively, fingertips searching for any tell tale signs of bruising, there was no tenderness that he could feel.

_Just a dream_ , Connor was murmuring in his ear. His soft breath tickled the curve of Ethan's neck as he spoke, his gentle palm rubbing soothing circles over his lover's clothed torso. He had forgotten how vivid those memories could be, how much destruction they could cause.

_He was safe,_  Connor told him.

Safe in bed with the man who loved him, with the man who would never do anything to hurt him. He drew strength from Connor in a way he could not describe. This wasn't the first time he'd had a nightmare and it certainly wouldn't be the last, Connor was always here to smooth over his fractured pieces. Ethan rolled into his side so that was staring into Connor's beautiful blue eyes, he could see a whole world deep inside of them, one that was meant only for him and it gave him the sense of place that he was craving deep down inside. Connor's arm wrapped around his waist, drawing Ethan into the shelter of his loving embrace and cradling him close against his body.

Ethan inhaled deeply, closing his eyes and letting himself absorb the sheer essence of the other man. Connor was his anchor, the only thing that held him steady against the overpowering stream of emotions that coursed through him. Connor's fingertips trailed along the line of Ethan's spine, his thumb ghosting along those tense muscles, stroking and caressing until Ethan began to relax against him, his breathing beginning to even out.

"I'm here." Connor whispered as Ethan drifted back into the land of sleep. "I've got you."

* * *

The sunlight was breaking through the slits in the open blinds that Ethan had forgotten to close last night, he awoke feeling exhausted and disorientated. His palm splayed out, reaching for Connor and instead finding himself alone and wanting. He'd spent the duration of the night curled up safely within the shelter of Connor's arms. His sleep had been broken and restless and every time he had awoken, Connor had brushed his lips across his hairline, whispering those loving, sweet words into his ear.

It took him more than a few minutes to rouse himself properly and when he did he was more drained than he had been when he'd gone to bed last night. He inhaled deeply, the scent of coffee flooding his nostrils as he trailed into the kitchen sluggishly. He paused for a moment, lingering in the doorway as he watched Connor amble around his kitchen selecting two brightly colored mugs and placing them alongside the coffeemaker. He liked seeing Connor like this, domesticated living in partnership with him. He wanted Connor to make this apartment his home, for this to be their place not just his.

Connor approached him, his right hand reaching out to caress Ethan's cheek affectionately before he kissed his lover with a tenderness that he reserved only for him. Ethan wrapped his arm around Connor's waist clasping him close and holding him in place as he breathed in his lover's clean scent. Connor's stubble grazed Ethan's cheek lightly causing him to chuckle out loud as it tickled along the line of his jaw.

"How are you feeling this morning?" Connor asked his lover, drawing away to continue his pursuit of coffee.

"Like I've been to hell and back." Ethan answered honestly, accepting the striped mug from Connor gratefully. He wrapped his hands around it, drawing strength from it's heat.

"That's the first time you've woke me up fighting." Connor revealed, leaning against the work surface as he stirred his coffee with a spoon. "Was it the shooting?"

"Older." Ethan said quietly, swallowing hard against the lump that was rising in his throat. He tilted his head away, finding himself unable to look Connor in the eye. There was an ache in his chest, a dismal agony that wretched at him as he forced the next words out of his mouth. "Did I hurt you?"

The very thought of it devastated Ethan, the possibility that he could lash out like that and hurt Connor in such a manner. Those memories of Kris, from the nights where Ethan had woken up to find the other man looming over him to the uninhibited acts of rage, stuck with him and he would never allow Connor to become a victim of that, not the way he had once been.

Connor set down his mug before he approached Ethan once more. He took the coffee cup from his hands before using his fingertips to tilt his lover's chin up so that their eyes met. Those gorgeous, soulful eyes of his were full of fear and anguish.

"No." Connor murmured, their faces inches apart before Connor cupped Ethan's handsome features with his warm, loving hands, his forehead came to rest upon Ethan's. "And I don't think you ever would."

"Connor, if I get like that..." Ethan trailed off, the words seizing in his throat. "If I ever..."

"We'll deal with it." Connor promised him, stroking his lover's cheek knowingly.

"I don't know what I did to deserve you." Ethan said softly, his voice cracking just a little as his hand came to rest upon Connor's, his lips brushing the pulse point on his lover's wrist tenderly.

"You love me." Connor said simply. "And I love you."


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan and Kris finally have a heart to heart.

Kris was already waiting for Ethan when he stepped out onto the roof. His former lover glanced over his shoulder as he approached, those vivid blue eyes of his drinking him in. Ethan had forgotten what it was like to be looked by this man, his gaze was full of hope and heat as Ethan jammed his hands into the pockets of his quilted jacket. The left side of his mouth quirked up into that boyish smile of his, the one that used to melt Ethan's insides whenever it crossed Kris's features.

"So this is where you come to think?" Kris started, his elbows resting on the safety rail as he stared out across the city skyline. "I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier. You always liked high places, the way they put things in perspective."

Ethan nodded his agreement at the statement, his back was ramrod straight as he surveyed the view in front of him. He wanted to be strong, impervious to Kris's charms but instead he could feel the walls that he had built up starting to crumble as Kris's leather jacket rubbed lightly against his.

"Still do." Ethan said, his lips twitching up into a small smile.

There was a companionable silence between the two of them for a moment. There was a million things that Ethan wanted to say but not one of them would leave his mouth. Being here with Kris, it felt like there was such gulf between them and he hated it, he had hated it back then and he hated it now.

"I don't blame you." Kris began clasping his hands together, lowering his gaze. "You need to know that I don't blame you for leaving."

The apprehension that had been weighting down on Ethan's chest seemed to decrease just a little. That guilt that ate him inside wasn't as agonizing now that Kris had spoken.

"I know it weighs on you." Kris murmured, twisting so that he could review the profile of Ethan's handsome features. "It's the type of man you are."

"It does." Ethan admitted quietly. "You are not the only one who had his demons to deal with."

Kris inhaled deeply at the revelation, an anguish building in his chest at the knowledge that Ethan been afflicted the same way. He had leaned on him too much, he had known that at the time but Ethan had been a blissful safe haven from the horrors that plagued him.

"Ethan..." he whispered, his heart going out to his former lover.

"You were suffering." Ethan said frankly, inclining his head towards Kris. "How could you have known?"

"Love..." Kris murmured affectionately, his palm lightly rubbing up and down Ethan's arm in that familiar consoling manner. "I wish I could have been here to help."

"I got help." Ethan stated glancing at Kris wistfully. "And I see you did too."

"Yes. When you left..." Kris said, removing his hand from Ethan's jacket. "...it gave me the courage to get the help I needed."

He swallowed hard against the lump in his throat, he had a lot to make up for. Too much. Could he ask Ethan to forgive him? No. But he could try to rectify it in the best way he knew how. The two of them could start over again, he wanted that more than anything. Letting Ethan go had been one of the biggest mistakes of his life, losing himself in such a manner, allowing the PTSD to take over and control him the way it had had destroyed the two of them. Nothing in the world could express how sorry he was about that.

"It killed me, what I did to you." Kris said, tilting his head away ashamed, his hands came to rest upon the safety rail as he hunched over it as if in physical pain."That I hurt you like that..."

Ethan withdrew his hands from his pockets, his right hand covering Kris's, his fingers running over those scarred knuckles delicately. It was a sense of unity that Kris needed and Ethan couldn't help but give into that urge.

"You weren't in control." Ethan asserted as Kris leaned into him.

Their faces were inches apart and Kris could feel that familiar feeling stirring deep down inside of him. It was a slow burn, one that was still kindled after all this time and he found his gaze lowering to Ethan's lips. That fire was alive and it was fervent, it made Kris remember the nights he spent wrapped up inside of Ethan, the two of them moving in unison as he drove the other man to completion. The way his name had rolled off the other man's lips when he climaxed, that sound...

Jesus he wanted to hear that sound again.

He wanted Ethan in his bed, underneath him as they made love, whispering beautiful dirty words into his ear. There was so much time he needed to make up for, too much but he was here now and he was ready to make amends.

"I am now." Kris breathed, his lips caressing Ethan's with the most tender of kisses.

The world was falling away, Kris could feel his heart singing as his fingers threaded through Ethan's dark hair, drawing him closer. Ethan stiffened in surprise, his firm hands grasping his ex lover's shoulders and propelling him backwards.

"No." Ethan said resolutely, using the back of his hand to wipe across his lips.

"I'm sorry Ethan." Kris whispered, his eyebrows creasing in confusion as he studied the other man. "I thought..."

"There's someone else Kris." Ethan told him frankly, jamming his hands back into the pockets of his black quilted jacket.

Kris crossed his arms over his chest, sucking in a deep breath in an attempt to fortify himself. He had been a fool to imagine that there would be no one for Ethan in their time apart. If it was casual he could wait, if it was more...

"Do you love him?" Kris said abruptly, his blue eyes searching Ethan's handsome features for the answer.

"Does it matter?" Ethan sighed, tilting his head back towards the skyline. His jaw was clenched, Kris could see the muscle in his cheek twitching as he stared across the rooftops.

"Yes." Kris told him honestly. "To me it does."

He already knew the answer, he could see it in Ethan as clear as day but he needed to hear the words. It would be the only way he could accept that it was over.

"Yes." Ethan revealed, meeting Kris's vibrant blue eyes forcefully. There was a finality in his tone, one that he made sure that Kris could not misunderstand as he spoke. "I've never loved anyone the way I love him."


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Ethan sit down and talk.

Much to Connor's surprise, the light was still on in the living room when he entered Ethan's apartment. It had been long past midnight when his shift had finally finished at the hospital and he had expected to come in, toss his clothes in the laundry hamper and curl up beside his lover in Ethan's queen sized bed.

Something was wrong, he could feel it in the very fabric of his being. Ethan was sitting on the comfortable charcoal grey couch, his hands clasped together as if in prayer, his forehead resting lightly against them. The television was on in the background, the volume low as it replayed the highlights from the most recent football game. His stomach twisted in dread, he could feel that dull pain in the center of his chest, the one that he had been carrying around for weeks now, ever since Ethan had told him about the relationship he had had with Kris Delaney.

This is it... he thought. He had known somewhere in the back of his mind that he wouldn't be able to compete with that history. The two men had survived something together that he could never be privy to. He would have been an idiot not to notice the way that Kris felt about Ethan, it was in the way he looked at him, in those breezy familiar touches he graced upon his lover. The other man's face seemed to light up when Ethan stepped into the room and it had stabbed in Connor's chest each and every time because he knew what it was like to be with Ethan, to be loved by him.

He had always known that it would come to a choice, eventually Kris would make his intentions clear and Ethan would have to make a decision. He had always hoped that it would be him, the love he felt for Ethan was more than it had ever been with anyone else. He had never believed in soulmates before, not until he'd fallen in love with Ethan but that's what he believed they were. It was a romantic notion, one that he had let himself fall into and but he understood when you loved somebody it was about wanting the very best for them and at the end of the day all he wanted was for his lover to be happy.

With him, without him, it didn't matter.

He placed Ethan's happiness and well being above everything else.

"I guess we need to talk." Connor said finally, causing Ethan to look up from his clasped hands and finally look at him.

The expression on his handsome features was completely unreadable. There was a tension in his hunched shoulders, one that Connor knew all to well. It was a tell tale sign that Ethan was anxious and Connor wanted nothing more than to climb into his lover's lap and sooth away that stress with soft languid kisses. Instead he held back, slipping into a sitting position on the opposite side of the couch from his lover, waiting for the bomb to drop.

"Kris kissed me today." Ethan revealed.

Connor felt the skin over his knuckles tightened as his right hand drew into a fist, his nails digging into his palm. He hadn't expected Kris to be so forthright, the knowledge of that made his blood boil. He did not own Ethan, Connor was under no illusions of that, the other man was not a possession to be fought over. However he could still feel that surge of jealousy lighting up his insides. Kris did not deserve Ethan in his eyes, it didn't matter that the other man had had PTSD when he had harmed his lover, that he wasn't in control. He had still hurt Ethan, both physically and mentally and that was something that Connor found himself unable to reconcile with.

"I can't say I'm entirely surprised. I've seen the way he looks at you..." Connor informed his lover, who glanced up with a surprised expression on his handsome features. "...like a man in love."

"He is my past." Ethan affirmed, reaching out and grasping Connor's hand in his own, his slim fingers entwined with his lover's. "You are my future."

Ethan delved into the back pocket of his denim jeans before pulling out a single silver ring and holding it up between his thumb and forefinger for Connor to see.

"I want you, nothing more, nothing less." Ethan whispered as he slipped the ring onto his lover's marriage finger. "For the rest of my life, you and only you."


End file.
